I realize I am loved by so many people since I found out that I have cancer. I get messages from all over the world. I get phone calls from California, New York, and France. A friend came and visited me from Florida. Many people visit me from different parts of Japan. The mother of a friend from New York, whom I have never met, sent me a package of rice from Niigata and thanked me for being good to her daughter. She wrote to me, “Whenever my daughter calls me, she always talks about you and tells me what a wonderful friend you are.” So many people are cheering me up and giving me support. I feel miserable for not being able to answer all the messages of support and I don’t know what to write in Mixi (Japanese version of Facebook) anymore and have even lost the spirit to continue writing.
I am trying so hard to take these medications. But they are not working. The cancer is getting bigger. They might change to a different medication. They will decide next week after getting results of the CT. I was hoping the medication would work and there would be no more inflammation so I could go home. My body temperature goes up every day. I throw up every day. I have diarrhea, weight loss, no appetite. I have blood tests every day, an intravenous four times a day. I have pain from the drain, and the body I can’t move freely. It has been two months since I have been hospitalized. My mental state is getting close to reaching the limit. I am getting sick of everything. But I don’t want to die. What do I do?
Next week if they put me on a different medication with a lot of side effects, I am not sure if my body can tolerate it physically, mentally.
Yesterday I was thinking about my funeral all day. I heard that the good thing about having cancer is that you can prepare your death. I want my picture on the altar to be the one where I am wearing a kimono and a red wig. It was taken a few years ago at a costume party. And I want music by “Greeen.” While I still have the energy, I want to write a letter for people who come to the funeral, something that will make them cry and laugh. I was thinking things like that yesterday.
Slowly and surely my body is invaded by cancer.
I want to live and go home.
I wonder why God doesn’t allow me to have even that wish.
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