This web site is translated and created by Yuuki Kitada, Mika Kishimoto, Kanako & Taku Tajiri, Kenichiro Mito, Masumi Saito, Yuki Hayasaki, Kay Williams, Marilyn Yuki, Shinobu Kadokura and TS.


The charity exibit is over.
Every day many people came and it was a great success.
Thank you very much!


10/25/2010

October 25, 2010 07:15 I am leaving the hospital.

I have been staying in the hospital, so my white blood cell counts could be monitored. I have not wanted to give high expectations to anyone. But since I am recovering body strength and my white blood cells counts are not falling so much, I can leave the hospital today. I did not want to tell everyone until it was for sure.
From now on I will visit the hospital from home for chemotherapy treatment. I want to relax for a while with my family. But I have already started thinking about how to spend my time while Yukuri is in kindergarten.

Things I want to do
*******************
◎study Spanish
(I love Spanish! Even though I don’t speak to anyone in Spanish and have no plan to visit anywhere, I speak little bit and would like to learn a little more.)
◎ practice  penmanship
(PC is popular, but I have fewer opportunities to write letters,  My writing is too terrible to say that I have a master level for penmanship.. So I want to learn once more.)
◎ painting
(The gallery owner visited me and said, “Please have your show with us again.” And many people, after this thing happened, have told me that they like my paintings. So I want to draw again, at my own pace.)
*******************

Then I want to continue diet therapy and meditation.  And exercise (just walking ...) I want to recover my health by myself. 
I will be happy if you keep giving me your power and prayers.

Yesterday the nurse came to take my temperature as usual. She knows I have put many books about cancer on my bed.  I told her earlier, “I try to do Gerson therapy (diet therapy) and Simonton therapy (meditation, imagination).” She studies similar treatments and takes seminars, too. And she said, “Do them and keep trying such things.” Then she asked, “What are you going to try next?” I said, “Immunocytotherapy. But don’t tell the doctor. He doesn’t seem happy about that.” She answered with a smile, “OK. Do what you want to do and what you think is right. It is your body and your choice. No regrets.” She made me so happy.

I have liked surprising people since I was a kid. And I like a big smile after a surprise. But I don’t like people to surprise me. I want to surprise all the doctors I have met so far.

Big surprise like “I thought I can not do anything to her. But it is a miracle!”

10/23/2010

October 23, 2010 20:35 Immunocytotherapy - and then

Yesterday, Masao-san went to the clinic in Osaka and met with the doctor to discuss immunocytotherapy.  After that, we decided to have that treatment.
The blood component analysis turned out good and I can have the first IV as fast as next Thursday.

But I had a problem...

I asked the doctor here once again whether they can give me the IV but it was still impossible.  I asked desperately in vain..
I said “the current anti-cancer drugs can only continue up to 4 to 6 periods.  More I have them, more side effects I could have.  Even if the cancer becomes smaller with the anti-cancer treatment, the 5-year-survival rate for Stage 4 is 5%, isn't it?  Doctor, I want to live longer than that.”
But it did not work.
The doctor explained “because it has not been recognized from a mainstream medical perspective.”
There are hospitals implementing immunotherapy in Tokyo.  But it's not so popularly recognized.  It's not covered by an insurance policy.
I was about to say to the doctor that if you were me, can you give up your life in 5 years or even less?  I didn't because the doctor cannot say certain things and according to him, the decision has to be made at the hospital conference because it's a life and death matter.  But I mentioned that the clinic in Osaka could issue a letter saying it would take a full responsibility for the treatment if this hospital decided to perform the IV for me.
Thus, I asked friends to look for clinics / hospitals near Fukuyama City and Okayama City that can perform the IV procedures.
The best thing is that I go to Osaka. But I need the IV once a week and I would definitely need an escort.  It will be too expensive to commute every week.

I really hope a hospital nearby agrees to perform the IV procedures...

I want to post the very encouraging message of a girl who had lung cancer at the age of 24. I wanted everyone to have a look as I fully agree with her.
She declared that she would decide herself how to live her life.  She refused the anti-cancer treatment and she is still living fine.  It's great!  I trust she will be all right.
--------------
The doctors are not God.
They are persons who work as doctor.
They are not [me myself].

[I] am composed of an unbroken line of my will and choice.

The responsibility for my body only rests with me.

It's all [me] who feels pain and any other emotion.

It's ok to rely on the doctors.
But an important thing is,
instead of relying everything on them,
facing them while keeping myself on my feet
(not physically speaking)

Without help from your own body
no drug and treatment will work

With support of medication,
all your cells get going to heal

Any treatment works only based on the power a human being naturally has

Treatments will not come before you
You are all that matters

What is your goal?
What do you seek for?
How do you want to live going forward?

These questions are not only for patients
but for all people

A trivial talk by a little girl
But I wish this delivers [something] to someone's heart
--------------

Until I had a drug test, I did not do anything depending entirely on doctors that they could help me.

My cancer taught me it's not how things work in life.

The doctors here are very nice and I like them all.  But my cancer on the most recent CT and X-ray pictures is very big.  The anti-cancer drugs helped reduce the development of the cancer and the shadow became slightly less dark.  But it's not drastically working.  Until the cancer becomes small, I have to continue all kinds of anti-cancer drugs and bear all side effects, don't I?

Fine.  Then, I want to try  immunocytotherapy.
Fortunately, immunocytotherapy can be used together with the anti-cancer drugs.  If I try, sooner is better.

Can you give up your life so easily just because the doctor says the opposite?

I won't give up.

I will rely on the doctors where I can rely.  But after all, it's my life.  I don't want to have the doctor decide how long I can live.
As I said many times, the anti-cancer drugs only help you survive longer.  That's all the current medicine can do.  If I continue anti-cancer drugs and die within 5 years, the doctor will say “we did everything we could do but this is the limit of the current medicine and this is your life.”  The doctors will convince themselves too.

But will I be convinced too?
Will you, who have supported me, be convinced?
No, you will not, will you?
I will choose my way of life myself!

I just want to live longer, only that I want.

10/21/2010

October 21, 2010 17:35 Immunocytotherapy

It's cold!
It's raining today in Fukuyama and when I woke up, it was really really cold.
So I quickly put on the Uniqlo Heattech pants that my sister-in-law gave me, the loose clothing that Ojiyan gave me, the waist warmer that Moja gave me, the nitted hat that sioux gave me; the complete toasty outfit, all of them gifts....feeling very loved, me.
It has been a week since the anti-cancer drug treatment.  The sleepiness and drowsy feeling has gone away but the side effects and the bone marrow toxicity should lead to lower white blood cell count and if I get a cold during this period, it will lead to pneumonia and emphysema, so I really need to be careful

Tomorrow Masao-san will take my medical records to talk in detail to an immunocytotherapy doctor in Osaka whom my friend told me about.  It'd be better if I can go but I still can't travel long distances....
By the way the hospital I'm at can't do the immunocytotherapy.  There are hospitals which have started using immunocytotherapy but I guess it's still difficult.  In Hiroshima city they can do the anti-cancer drug treatment along with the immunocytotherapy, but Hiroshima city is too far. 
My city, Fukuyama city, located in Hiroshima prefecture is closer to Okayama prefecture, so Okayama city is closer for me.
Yesterday I found this book in the hospital library and borrowed it.  Before the cancer spread, I was relying on the doctor, but now, you can't just rely on other people.  I have to face the challenge myself to cure this disease.  So I'm reading a lot of books and trying things that people say are good for me and felt that I needed to keep feeling positive all the time...used meditation repeatedly and after feeling so low for long, now I'm stronger, even a blackhole can't drag me in.  The people around me helped along; of course, I couldn't do it just by myself. I relayed to my family the state of my disease and declared that I will never give up.  Everyone cooperated with me.  I couldn't thank them more.  All the encouragement by mail and through the net helped me many times.  I read them over and over still.

Like anti-cancer drugs, Immunocytotherapy doesn't work on everyone, but if there is even a remote chance to live, I want to try this treatment.
I didn't tell you all, but when I had the last diagnosis in Okayama, the cancer had spread to all of my right lung, several places in my brain (so bad that the cyberknife therapy is impossible), and spread larger in the liver, and had spread to the lymph and bone marrow.  I don't know if they are lymph nodes, but there are lumps all over my body. The one at my waist grew larger and larger and became the size of a ping pong ball....it became smaller with the anti-cancer drugs, so it was probably cancer.  Now that I think of it, the doctor would say to me to prepare for the ultimate, and I really did prepare to die.
It sounds really bad if I write like this, but now I feel much better, just don't have the physical strength.
The anti-cancer drug treatment I'm using now should finish with two more treatments.  The cancer won't go away even after finishing all the treatments.

Immunocytotherapy is attracting attention as the fourth method of cancer treatment after the Big Three of surgery, anti-cancer medicine and radiation. You take a patient's blood, extract the cancer fighting cells such NK Cells and grow the cells and put them back into the body.
You're putting back your own blood, so there are no side effects.  According to the books, many people, even people who were diagnosed as terminal cancer were cured.

I still have many things that I want to do, so I will keep up my spirits.

The deadline for the artists' application to the charity event was yesterday and wow! Over 100 artists, 105 in all! This is amazing.  I think nobody, even my friends who planned this event didn't think that so many people would apply.  I was a bit sorry for causing all trouble but now that so many people are rooting for me, I will keep my spirits up.

What makes me excited now is to imagine the smiling faces of my friends when I go back to Tokyo.

10/16/2010

October 16, 2010 14:04 Anti-cancer drug (the 2nd period) - the next day

Right before I take an anti-cancer drug, I was taking drip infusion. I heard there was some chemical in there to keeps me awake. Maybe that is why I couldn't sleep very well last night, and had a lot of random dreams. I don't remember any of the dreams what was about.
Last night, I felt my body was so heavy, just like I was wrapped by iron chains. Even though the heavy feeling was gone by the time when I woke up, my body feels so tired and dull, and now my head feels so heavy.
I think the same thing happened to me when I took the anti-cancer drug last time.
This is my condition on the next day I had the anti-cancer drug.

The above picture is my breakfast.
I asked hospital to skip my breakfast plan, and I usually make something what I want to eat.
Lately, my favorite is non sugar serial with yogurt and banana on top.
Raisin and banana are natural sweetener. It's pretty good. I also had Salad and Vegetable juice. When I get tired of serials, I eat brown rice bread roll. I prefer to eat bread for breakfast instead of Japanese traditional breakfast (Rice & Miso Soup).

10/15/2010

October 15, 2010 14:29 May it work!

The second anti-cancer drug.
Beat the cancer cells off with my white blood cells!

The background music is Unicorn.
Sioux-san, thank you for the CD!
Lying down on the bed, I keep imagining the anti-cancer drug attacks the cancer.

October 15, 2010 14:29 May it work!

The first anti-cancer drug.
Do not kill my good cells, but attack only the cancer cells! Go,Go,Go, fighters! GO!!!

10/14/2010

October 14, 2010 9:38 Recent Events

After moving to the new hospital my appetite has gradually improved; at first I could only eat with some effort, but now I'm hungrier and even though I ate a lot, after some time, I'm getting a bit hungry, so....it's getting better.
Since I've disclosed that I have cancer, I've received lots of information on effective treatments for cancer.  It's been great since I can't do all the research myself and the experiences of people and acquaintances help me a lot.  Masao-san and I too read a lot of books on cancer that we could get our hands on.  The things I'm doing stoically are a diet and vegetable juice and meditation.
The diet consists of lots of vegetables and no meat, fish, sugar and salt.  Mushrooms are supposed to be good for cancer so I'm eating a lot of it.  Eating a lot of vegetables has its limits, so vegetable juice is a must.  1.5 Litres (One and half quart) per day.  I have it delivered from home three times a day.
And I'm also taking some traditional Chinese medicine and an immuno booster recommended by my friend; these were prohibited when I was participating in the new drug tests.
Both cost a lot and if you had known about it in a magazine it would seem suspect at best, but I bought it since my friends and acquaintances told me that it was really good.
Thanks to it, my bowel movements are excellent
Nothing can be better than getting up in the morning, doing your business straight and clean, and eating a delicious breakfast on an empty stomach.  It's very fortunate to look forward to each morning and feel alive every morning.
About when I was moving out of Okayama Hospital, they had told me that they might have to put tubes into my neck to get an IV for nutrition because I risked blockage of the intestines...

Since I moved to this hospital, my condition has improved a lot and since I'm not connected to anything, I'm moving around a lot and my physical strength is coming back.  Before I couldn't even get up a single step on the staircase and needed help...it was quite a shock to me that I couldn't get up.

The good thing about this hospital is that there is a garden on the third floor and you take a little walk and there is big bath tub on the highest floor, so you can take a dip while taking in the view of sky.  And, when I take the bath, somehow there is nobody there, so I have it all to myself.

Mixi (Japanese version of Facebook) has not been updated because my condition is getting better and I'm replying to all the e-mails and letters that I've received and getting out of the hospital because my condition is better...it's not because of the side effects, so don't worry.

So I've updated mixi today and replying back might take some more time...I've allocated only so much time to e-mailing each day...my apologies.
And this past week my friends from the states come from San Francisco and Texas to visit me. My condition was better and I wanted them to have a good time, so we went to a mall near the hospital, had my friends eat at home with me, and play with Yukuri.  Fukuyama doesn't have lot for sightseeing..seriously...
If it had been Okayama, there would have been lots....

They told me that they only wanted to see me, but since my condition was good, I thought I would have a good time within the appropriate confines.
Had a wheelchair in the mall too.
Even though my condition is better, I still can't walk or stand up for a long period of time.

This Friday, meaning tomorrow, if there are no problems with today's blood tests, the second cool of anti-cancer drugs will start.
The result of the first cool shows that the shadows of the cancer are getting thinner, so the growth seems to have slowed down.  The current anti-cancer drug seems to be working so we'll continue this drug called “Arimuta”.
This is all from your prayers, so please continue to pray that the anti-cancer drugs will continue to work.

However, anti-cancer drugs are only a life prolonging treatment.  If you continue using it, it'll stop working sooner or later and you have to use a different drug.  I've heard two and half year is max.
So when I get the chance I'd like to try the immunocytotherapy that my friend told me.

10/08/2010

October 8 2010 13:31 [Meaning of a] Word

There is a word I least want to hear ever since I’ve gotten cancer.

That is “ Poor thing…” i.e. [I feel] “sorry” [for you].

I do have cancer but that doesn’t mean I want to swap lives with someone else or pitied myself so when someone says that to me, it makes me feel really miserable.

Apparently, that’s the way I appear to others - something to be pitied on.

I don’t mind if you say it somewhere else but I don’t want you to say I feel sorry for you in my face, and I certainly don’t want someone to feel sorry for me.

I’ve received lots of love and discovered lots of invaluable things by having cancer.  & don’t think I’m trying too hard to mask the situation.  Sure, it was shocking to find out I have cancer but I think I am a happier person now than before.

So please don’t feel sorry for me.

Also, one more thing.  There are people who hesitate using the expression “Gambatte” since I’m already working hard but I don’t mind people saying more of that to me.  I take it as a sign of support that you are rooting for me. & that makes me happy and want to say thank you- I will make an effort.

“Gambare”(”hang in there”) is a word by those who are rooting for me and believing in me.
“Gambare”(”keep your chin up”) is a word that gives me a little kick when I’m feeling weak inside.

Thank you for always supporting me.
I will keep soldering on.

10/04/2010

October 4, 2010 16:05 After the hospital switch, and about the charity

I didn't write for a while, but I'm well.

On the 22nd, I was told that the cancer tumor was growing large and there were multiple metastases newly discovered in my brain and I was feeling completely hopeless, but the response comments to my diary I wrote that day really made me feel like I would never ever give up. I went to sleep holding my cell phone so tight.
I am sorry that I can't write response to everyone of you individually, but I want to say to you all that I could never feel this strong and encouraged without your support.

I cannot thank you enough.

Anyhow, I was surprised and humbled by the size of responses to the charity. This is all because of the help from Ojiyan and all other friends who are organizing it, not me. I'm sorry.. I'm just lying in bed and can't do anything.

I want to go to the event venue.
I want to go there to meet each one of you and thank you.

Well, I can't wait for that to happen but in the meantime the attendants seem to keep growing. Among them, I see names of my classmates from New York, someone who wanted to attend even though I met just once or twice and hardly spoke with, or someone who I haven't even met but heard about me and wanted to help. There will never be an event where this many artists from around the world get together to do an exhibition. I really can't believe that it is being done for me. Honestly, I'd never expected something like this to happen. I'm so thankful and humbled that I feel bad, to be honest.

Thank you so much everyone.
Really, thank you all.