That day I was in the examination room and was told "it was the worst result". It was a malignant tumor.There was a shadow found in the X-ray which was taken just for checking back in May, and two month later I was told I had a cancer.
I don't smoke. There are no smokers in my surrounding. Did I do something wrong? Why me?
The doctors and the nurses make sad faces every time they learn how old my child is.
Am I that bad?
I can't live long?
They asked me "Is there anywhere else that you feel pain?". As soon as I said I had a headache I was told to go get CT scanned right away. So I went to the CT room. Masao-san was called right away and they explained to him about the curing methods. At that time they told us about the fact of the brain metastasis.I didn't feel like I was listening to something about myself. I was as if listening absentmindedly to the doctor. I was like "Hey, yeah I can see that too, it is right there, also in the brain" ... like I was impressed. I turned to look Masao-san who was standing behind me and saw his face turning so pale. I told him to sit down on the bed.
Although I was told that I would be transferred to the cancer center at Tsukishima as there is not sufficient facility here in Nihon University Hospital, I had been thinking that I would want to move to a hospital close to my parents' house if the situation turned out to be serious. I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17. I caused them a lot of trouble and anxiety.
They say that if you don't hear from someone that means they are doing all right. That might be true when they are actually well and healthy, but that's not the case here. Now they know that I have cancer, being far away and not knowing how I'm doing would cause them a lot more anxiety. Also, although we have a lot of friends in Tokyo, we can't ask them to look after Yukuri for too long. Masao would collapse if he had to look after Yukuri and me at the same time for who knows how long. Besides, it takes one hour by train from our house to Tsukishima. It'd be a trouble to commute that distance every day. So I told the doctor that I wanted to be treated in a hospital in my hometown Hiroshima. The doctor felt that I should do whatever the best way I feel and wrote me a referral. He is a very nice doctor. He said he knows a lot of patients who are living long by having positive feelings. He told me to be strong and encouraged me.
My friend Tara found me a good hospital close to my parents' house. Since my parents' house is closer to Okayama than to Hiroshima, Okayama University Hospital is closer than Hiroshima University Hospital. Besides, I have relatives in Okayama who I could rely on just in case.
I told my doctor that I could go to Okayama and get a treatment tomorrow. The doctor gave me an intravenous (IV) drip that prevents swelling of the cancer so there wouldn't be any problem until tomorrow. Meanwhile Masao-san was doing things like going to the accounting and Talking to Tara-chan about what to expect now.
We went home and right away we started packing for tomorrow, organized things for work and canceled all the upcoming exhibitions and workshops.
I had Nao-chan cut my hair short. It's so easy now cause the hair is still permed and there's no need for styling. I like it a lot.I could hardly eat anything last night but the croquettes that Miho-chan cooked for me was so delicious. There was a potato digging event at the kindergarten that day. Yukuri brought home a lot of potatos and I promised to make curry. I couldn't keep your promise ...I'm sorry.
Day 3 in the hospital. I can't help crying when I think of Yukuri. So I try not to think about it. They gave me a permission to go out tomorrow. My mom will bring Yukuri and the three of us will be going out.
I am living with help from many people right now. I'll do my best so I can see you all again and thank you.Thank you.
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