I was supposed to hold the exhibition and display my work.
I gave up on it when I found out the cancer...
But today, that was supposed to be the first day of my exhibition, many friends gathered at, and filled with their artworks, the place where I was supposed to hold the exhibition.
Some of my works are also displayed.
It starts today.
"Exhibition by Maro and Her Cheerful Friends"
http://home.u06.itscom.net/ojiyan/
Thanks everyone.
Really thank you.
11/18/2010
11/17/2010
November 17, 2010 17:08 Medication
to reduce side effects
to prevent infections
to prevent clogged blood vessels
When I was in Okayama, I was prescribed excessive amounts of medication that were added every time my symptoms became worse. I didn't like to be under so much medication. When I was constipated, laxatives were prescribed; when I threw up, anti-nausea drugs were added; and to prevent pain, a painkiller was used.
I was discouraged and felt depressed taking all those drugs, even though they were treatments to help my symptoms.
The only drug I appreciated was an antipyretic. Having a fever of 38 centigrade (100 F) every day was unbearable, so that when I felt my temperature go up, I asked the nurse for the drug.
Look, how am I doing now? I am under much less medication.
I stopped using the morphine painkillers when I was released from the hospital. Morphine was prescribed when I suffered pain in my chest, so I was thrilled when I decided to stop it. I thought I could start taking it again as soon as I felt the pain. Also I wanted to know how much pain I would have without it. It turned out I was ok without the drug, so the prescription was stopped after consultation with the doctors. If I keep taking unnecessary drugs, my immune system will weaken. I am the only person that notices the pain. I will keep watching my body and my condition carefully while I try to reduce the amount of medication.
11/15/2010
November 15, 2010 09:53 The reason why I disclosed my cancer
Being hospitalized I get to know many people who have cancer
Well, mostly people who are a lot older than I am, but some look like they are in their 40s.
All of them told me that they had disclosed their cancer only to their families and not to their neighbors and friends. The lady who came by when I was having breakfast told her caller, probably her husband, “If you’re asked about me, tell them that I’m just lying down, feeling unwell.”
Everyone said that they didn’t tell because they didn’t want their acquaintances to be bothered by their illness.
In my case though, I thought that if I didn’t tell anybody, I would be caring too much for the people around me and not being able to concentrate on my treatments; so I disclosed it on the day I was told about my cancer. Of course, only to my close friends on Mixi (Japanese version of Facebook).
I had an event which I was the host and which many people had been involved, and nobody could replace me...canceling the event would cause problems for a lot of many people, so I had to tell them the reason.
There are people who tell me that disclosing my cancer meant that I was strong, but I don’t think so. I couldn’t stop crying every time I told someone about my cancer… my body and mind was all in tatters. From the outside, it might seem that I had a lot of courage to speak about my cancer, but after being informed of my cancer, I was so weak that I needed to tell someone. I couldn’t care that much about people around me…
And when I think about it now, I think the event was so shocking that I had to confess my illness because I really wanted someone to help me and support me. “Help somebody!” So many friends and family have supported me since then.
By disclosing my cancer, many people have visited me to Okayama and Fukuyama both far away places and I received many entertaining gifts. So I have not felt lonely. Many people have told me about cancer treatments and bouts with cancer.
And because of my cancer, 106 artists have gathered to organize this charity exhibition.
It’s been realized because I had disclosed my cancer, and many people had followed my wishes and supported me.
If I had only disclosed my cancer only to some people and it had become a rumor, everyone would have been overly sensitive to me and the charity event wouldn’t be held.
The charity started when one of my friends visited me in July and said “I want to do Potterin (Maro’s pottery work shop) in place Maro-chan”. I was so happy that I cried at that moment.
After that this followed: “Everyone wants to do something for Maro-chan but every one is feeling the dilemma that they can’t do anything. It takes time to do pottery…so artists could sell their art, mommy friends who aren’t artists can buy the art and the proceeds can go to the medical bills.”
I gladly accepted the offer. Though I didn’t think it would become so big then.
To disclose the cancer or not is a personal choice, but I’m glad I disclosed it at an early stage.
Now I can smile and say “I have cancer but I’m feelin’ gooood!”
The charity will start on the 18th this week. The exhibition is a collection of my dear friends at a place where I hold dear. I’m proud of everyone. I can’t go, but I imagine lots of people attending and being excited and being inspired by the art. It should be an exhibition that will exceed just a charity event. Please go and see.
Well, mostly people who are a lot older than I am, but some look like they are in their 40s.
All of them told me that they had disclosed their cancer only to their families and not to their neighbors and friends. The lady who came by when I was having breakfast told her caller, probably her husband, “If you’re asked about me, tell them that I’m just lying down, feeling unwell.”
Everyone said that they didn’t tell because they didn’t want their acquaintances to be bothered by their illness.
In my case though, I thought that if I didn’t tell anybody, I would be caring too much for the people around me and not being able to concentrate on my treatments; so I disclosed it on the day I was told about my cancer. Of course, only to my close friends on Mixi (Japanese version of Facebook).
I had an event which I was the host and which many people had been involved, and nobody could replace me...canceling the event would cause problems for a lot of many people, so I had to tell them the reason.
There are people who tell me that disclosing my cancer meant that I was strong, but I don’t think so. I couldn’t stop crying every time I told someone about my cancer… my body and mind was all in tatters. From the outside, it might seem that I had a lot of courage to speak about my cancer, but after being informed of my cancer, I was so weak that I needed to tell someone. I couldn’t care that much about people around me…
And when I think about it now, I think the event was so shocking that I had to confess my illness because I really wanted someone to help me and support me. “Help somebody!” So many friends and family have supported me since then.
By disclosing my cancer, many people have visited me to Okayama and Fukuyama both far away places and I received many entertaining gifts. So I have not felt lonely. Many people have told me about cancer treatments and bouts with cancer.
And because of my cancer, 106 artists have gathered to organize this charity exhibition.
It’s been realized because I had disclosed my cancer, and many people had followed my wishes and supported me.
If I had only disclosed my cancer only to some people and it had become a rumor, everyone would have been overly sensitive to me and the charity event wouldn’t be held.
The charity started when one of my friends visited me in July and said “I want to do Potterin (Maro’s pottery work shop) in place Maro-chan”. I was so happy that I cried at that moment.
After that this followed: “Everyone wants to do something for Maro-chan but every one is feeling the dilemma that they can’t do anything. It takes time to do pottery…so artists could sell their art, mommy friends who aren’t artists can buy the art and the proceeds can go to the medical bills.”
I gladly accepted the offer. Though I didn’t think it would become so big then.
To disclose the cancer or not is a personal choice, but I’m glad I disclosed it at an early stage.
Now I can smile and say “I have cancer but I’m feelin’ gooood!”
The charity will start on the 18th this week. The exhibition is a collection of my dear friends at a place where I hold dear. I’m proud of everyone. I can’t go, but I imagine lots of people attending and being excited and being inspired by the art. It should be an exhibition that will exceed just a charity event. Please go and see.
11/10/2010
November 10, 2010 16:12 I will write.
Yukuri is into reading these days, so I decided to write to her every day. Hope she understands my thoughts.
November 10, 2010 11:00 Go! Part 2
Amlita took about 10 minutes, but this Carboplatin will take about an hour.
Go! You too, will help my white blood cells to fight cancer in my body!!
I have UNICORN music on full volume. When I was in Okayama in a private room, my breath would not last long enough to sing, but now I can sing.
I want to go to Karaoke!
November 10, 2010 10:46 Go!
Started with Alimta. This drug has less side effects, and I also like the name.
Go!! Become my soldier, and fight cancer for me!
November 10, 2010 09:32 It’s been a while…
By the way, I visited to the clinic in Osaka to get an immune cell drip infusion, before I readmitted this time. I went to Osaka, because we couldn’t find a clinic in Fukuyama, in where immune cell drip infusion could be performed. Also, I wanted to see the clinic in Osaka since that was the first immunecytotherapy for me. So I went there, assisted by my mother and my friend who introduced me to the clinic. The first treatment went good, but it will take 3weeks to produce some effect. They recommend this treatment once a week between the anti-cancer drug treatments.
Last Thursday I was hospitalized again for the 3rd anti-cancer drug treatment, but I caught a cold and it was postponed until today. If I didn’t get sick, I could have one more immune cell drip infusion last week, but I guess this is how it goes. I should take it easy and do whatever I can at time.
I hope this time the anti-cancer drug will not give me severe side effect. I feel a little insecure because Masao-san is away in Tokyo. I will ask him to stay with me for the next treatment.
Today, I spoke with my doctor about anti-cancer drug treatment. Usually they perform 4 periods of anti-cancer drug treatments, but if it works well, they will continue up to 6 periods. I asked doctor what they would do after finishing all periods, he said “we have to see the condition and decide what we do next.” I hope my cancer is getting very small. Based on the size before the treatment and the effectiveness of the anti-cancer drugs on my cancer so far, I’m not sure if it is getting small enough to makes me feel secure.
According to the doctor, there has not been the clinical evidence of continuous anti-cancer drug treatments yet, and regarding the anti-cancer drug treatments, there are different opinions depending on doctors. I understand there is no definite answer because each patient has different cancer and it takes different effect.
Again, I realized that while I listen to my doctor’s advice, I have to trust myself and think over by myself and decide how my cancer is treated. Doctors may choose the way to treat, which has the most effective result in clinical trials, but patients do choose whatever has the best chance of survival. At least I do.
Ojiyan, who is the sponsor of the charity exhibition for me, told me that she would continue the charity for me so that I can continue the immunecytotherapy. I think for me to fight against the cancer is the least thing I can do to show my gratitude to people who care about me. I will try my best to handle today’s anti-cancer drug treatment!
I went home yesterday and saw my daughter, Yukuri. When I was about to leave, she cried for the first time. She cried and said “You can’t go! We sleep together”.
She knew I would go to the hospital to get better, and tried not to be demanding. She was looking down and saying very softly at first, but by the time when I was about to leave, she was crying loud. It was very hard for me too. When I see my parents cry, I feel like I have to be strong, but seeing my daughter crying is very hard. She will turn to be 4 years old pretty soon. She still needs a lot of affection from parents. She knows that once I go to the hospital, I won’t come home for a while.
I want three of us, parents and the child, to live together again very soon.
My daughter draw this picture and I hang on the wall in my room at the hospital.
Me(left), Yukuri(middle), Masao-san(right).
10/25/2010
October 25, 2010 07:15 I am leaving the hospital.
I have been staying in the hospital, so my white blood cell counts could be monitored. I have not wanted to give high expectations to anyone. But since I am recovering body strength and my white blood cells counts are not falling so much, I can leave the hospital today. I did not want to tell everyone until it was for sure.
From now on I will visit the hospital from home for chemotherapy treatment. I want to relax for a while with my family. But I have already started thinking about how to spend my time while Yukuri is in kindergarten.
Things I want to do
*******************
◎study Spanish
(I love Spanish! Even though I don’t speak to anyone in Spanish and have no plan to visit anywhere, I speak little bit and would like to learn a little more.)
◎ practice penmanship
(PC is popular, but I have fewer opportunities to write letters, My writing is too terrible to say that I have a master level for penmanship.. So I want to learn once more.)
◎ painting
(The gallery owner visited me and said, “Please have your show with us again.” And many people, after this thing happened, have told me that they like my paintings. So I want to draw again, at my own pace.)
*******************
Then I want to continue diet therapy and meditation. And exercise (just walking ...) I want to recover my health by myself.
I will be happy if you keep giving me your power and prayers.
Yesterday the nurse came to take my temperature as usual. She knows I have put many books about cancer on my bed. I told her earlier, “I try to do Gerson therapy (diet therapy) and Simonton therapy (meditation, imagination).” She studies similar treatments and takes seminars, too. And she said, “Do them and keep trying such things.” Then she asked, “What are you going to try next?” I said, “Immunocytotherapy. But don’t tell the doctor. He doesn’t seem happy about that.” She answered with a smile, “OK. Do what you want to do and what you think is right. It is your body and your choice. No regrets.” She made me so happy.
I have liked surprising people since I was a kid. And I like a big smile after a surprise. But I don’t like people to surprise me. I want to surprise all the doctors I have met so far.
Big surprise like “I thought I can not do anything to her. But it is a miracle!”
From now on I will visit the hospital from home for chemotherapy treatment. I want to relax for a while with my family. But I have already started thinking about how to spend my time while Yukuri is in kindergarten.
Things I want to do
*******************
◎study Spanish
(I love Spanish! Even though I don’t speak to anyone in Spanish and have no plan to visit anywhere, I speak little bit and would like to learn a little more.)
◎ practice penmanship
(PC is popular, but I have fewer opportunities to write letters, My writing is too terrible to say that I have a master level for penmanship.. So I want to learn once more.)
◎ painting
(The gallery owner visited me and said, “Please have your show with us again.” And many people, after this thing happened, have told me that they like my paintings. So I want to draw again, at my own pace.)
*******************
Then I want to continue diet therapy and meditation. And exercise (just walking ...) I want to recover my health by myself.
I will be happy if you keep giving me your power and prayers.
Yesterday the nurse came to take my temperature as usual. She knows I have put many books about cancer on my bed. I told her earlier, “I try to do Gerson therapy (diet therapy) and Simonton therapy (meditation, imagination).” She studies similar treatments and takes seminars, too. And she said, “Do them and keep trying such things.” Then she asked, “What are you going to try next?” I said, “Immunocytotherapy. But don’t tell the doctor. He doesn’t seem happy about that.” She answered with a smile, “OK. Do what you want to do and what you think is right. It is your body and your choice. No regrets.” She made me so happy.
I have liked surprising people since I was a kid. And I like a big smile after a surprise. But I don’t like people to surprise me. I want to surprise all the doctors I have met so far.
Big surprise like “I thought I can not do anything to her. But it is a miracle!”
10/23/2010
October 23, 2010 20:35 Immunocytotherapy - and then
Yesterday, Masao-san went to the clinic in Osaka and met with the doctor to discuss immunocytotherapy. After that, we decided to have that treatment.
The blood component analysis turned out good and I can have the first IV as fast as next Thursday.
But I had a problem...
I asked the doctor here once again whether they can give me the IV but it was still impossible. I asked desperately in vain..
I said “the current anti-cancer drugs can only continue up to 4 to 6 periods. More I have them, more side effects I could have. Even if the cancer becomes smaller with the anti-cancer treatment, the 5-year-survival rate for Stage 4 is 5%, isn't it? Doctor, I want to live longer than that.”
But it did not work.
The doctor explained “because it has not been recognized from a mainstream medical perspective.”
There are hospitals implementing immunotherapy in Tokyo. But it's not so popularly recognized. It's not covered by an insurance policy.
I was about to say to the doctor that if you were me, can you give up your life in 5 years or even less? I didn't because the doctor cannot say certain things and according to him, the decision has to be made at the hospital conference because it's a life and death matter. But I mentioned that the clinic in Osaka could issue a letter saying it would take a full responsibility for the treatment if this hospital decided to perform the IV for me.
Thus, I asked friends to look for clinics / hospitals near Fukuyama City and Okayama City that can perform the IV procedures.
The best thing is that I go to Osaka. But I need the IV once a week and I would definitely need an escort. It will be too expensive to commute every week.
I really hope a hospital nearby agrees to perform the IV procedures...
I want to post the very encouraging message of a girl who had lung cancer at the age of 24. I wanted everyone to have a look as I fully agree with her.
She declared that she would decide herself how to live her life. She refused the anti-cancer treatment and she is still living fine. It's great! I trust she will be all right.
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
The doctors are not God.
They are persons who work as doctor.
They are not [me myself].
[I] am composed of an unbroken line of my will and choice.
The responsibility for my body only rests with me.
It's all [me] who feels pain and any other emotion.
It's ok to rely on the doctors.
But an important thing is,
instead of relying everything on them,
facing them while keeping myself on my feet
(not physically speaking)
Without help from your own body
no drug and treatment will work
With support of medication,
all your cells get going to heal
Any treatment works only based on the power a human being naturally has
Treatments will not come before you
You are all that matters
What is your goal?
What do you seek for?
How do you want to live going forward?
These questions are not only for patients
but for all people
A trivial talk by a little girl
But I wish this delivers [something] to someone's heart
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
Until I had a drug test, I did not do anything depending entirely on doctors that they could help me.
My cancer taught me it's not how things work in life.
The doctors here are very nice and I like them all. But my cancer on the most recent CT and X-ray pictures is very big. The anti-cancer drugs helped reduce the development of the cancer and the shadow became slightly less dark. But it's not drastically working. Until the cancer becomes small, I have to continue all kinds of anti-cancer drugs and bear all side effects, don't I?
Fine. Then, I want to try immunocytotherapy.
Fortunately, immunocytotherapy can be used together with the anti-cancer drugs. If I try, sooner is better.
Can you give up your life so easily just because the doctor says the opposite?
I won't give up.
I will rely on the doctors where I can rely. But after all, it's my life. I don't want to have the doctor decide how long I can live.
As I said many times, the anti-cancer drugs only help you survive longer. That's all the current medicine can do. If I continue anti-cancer drugs and die within 5 years, the doctor will say “we did everything we could do but this is the limit of the current medicine and this is your life.” The doctors will convince themselves too.
But will I be convinced too?
Will you, who have supported me, be convinced?
No, you will not, will you?
I will choose my way of life myself!
I just want to live longer, only that I want.
The blood component analysis turned out good and I can have the first IV as fast as next Thursday.
But I had a problem...
I asked the doctor here once again whether they can give me the IV but it was still impossible. I asked desperately in vain..
I said “the current anti-cancer drugs can only continue up to 4 to 6 periods. More I have them, more side effects I could have. Even if the cancer becomes smaller with the anti-cancer treatment, the 5-year-survival rate for Stage 4 is 5%, isn't it? Doctor, I want to live longer than that.”
But it did not work.
The doctor explained “because it has not been recognized from a mainstream medical perspective.”
There are hospitals implementing immunotherapy in Tokyo. But it's not so popularly recognized. It's not covered by an insurance policy.
I was about to say to the doctor that if you were me, can you give up your life in 5 years or even less? I didn't because the doctor cannot say certain things and according to him, the decision has to be made at the hospital conference because it's a life and death matter. But I mentioned that the clinic in Osaka could issue a letter saying it would take a full responsibility for the treatment if this hospital decided to perform the IV for me.
Thus, I asked friends to look for clinics / hospitals near Fukuyama City and Okayama City that can perform the IV procedures.
The best thing is that I go to Osaka. But I need the IV once a week and I would definitely need an escort. It will be too expensive to commute every week.
I really hope a hospital nearby agrees to perform the IV procedures...
I want to post the very encouraging message of a girl who had lung cancer at the age of 24. I wanted everyone to have a look as I fully agree with her.
She declared that she would decide herself how to live her life. She refused the anti-cancer treatment and she is still living fine. It's great! I trust she will be all right.
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
The doctors are not God.
They are persons who work as doctor.
They are not [me myself].
[I] am composed of an unbroken line of my will and choice.
The responsibility for my body only rests with me.
It's all [me] who feels pain and any other emotion.
It's ok to rely on the doctors.
But an important thing is,
instead of relying everything on them,
facing them while keeping myself on my feet
(not physically speaking)
Without help from your own body
no drug and treatment will work
With support of medication,
all your cells get going to heal
Any treatment works only based on the power a human being naturally has
Treatments will not come before you
You are all that matters
What is your goal?
What do you seek for?
How do you want to live going forward?
These questions are not only for patients
but for all people
A trivial talk by a little girl
But I wish this delivers [something] to someone's heart
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
Until I had a drug test, I did not do anything depending entirely on doctors that they could help me.
My cancer taught me it's not how things work in life.
The doctors here are very nice and I like them all. But my cancer on the most recent CT and X-ray pictures is very big. The anti-cancer drugs helped reduce the development of the cancer and the shadow became slightly less dark. But it's not drastically working. Until the cancer becomes small, I have to continue all kinds of anti-cancer drugs and bear all side effects, don't I?
Fine. Then, I want to try immunocytotherapy.
Fortunately, immunocytotherapy can be used together with the anti-cancer drugs. If I try, sooner is better.
Can you give up your life so easily just because the doctor says the opposite?
I won't give up.
I will rely on the doctors where I can rely. But after all, it's my life. I don't want to have the doctor decide how long I can live.
As I said many times, the anti-cancer drugs only help you survive longer. That's all the current medicine can do. If I continue anti-cancer drugs and die within 5 years, the doctor will say “we did everything we could do but this is the limit of the current medicine and this is your life.” The doctors will convince themselves too.
But will I be convinced too?
Will you, who have supported me, be convinced?
No, you will not, will you?
I will choose my way of life myself!
I just want to live longer, only that I want.
10/21/2010
October 21, 2010 17:35 Immunocytotherapy
It's cold!
It's raining today in Fukuyama and when I woke up, it was really really cold.
So I quickly put on the Uniqlo Heattech pants that my sister-in-law gave me, the loose clothing that Ojiyan gave me, the waist warmer that Moja gave me, the nitted hat that sioux gave me; the complete toasty outfit, all of them gifts....feeling very loved, me.
It has been a week since the anti-cancer drug treatment. The sleepiness and drowsy feeling has gone away but the side effects and the bone marrow toxicity should lead to lower white blood cell count and if I get a cold during this period, it will lead to pneumonia and emphysema, so I really need to be careful
Tomorrow Masao-san will take my medical records to talk in detail to an immunocytotherapy doctor in Osaka whom my friend told me about. It'd be better if I can go but I still can't travel long distances....
By the way the hospital I'm at can't do the immunocytotherapy. There are hospitals which have started using immunocytotherapy but I guess it's still difficult. In Hiroshima city they can do the anti-cancer drug treatment along with the immunocytotherapy, but Hiroshima city is too far.
My city, Fukuyama city, located in Hiroshima prefecture is closer to Okayama prefecture, so Okayama city is closer for me.
Yesterday I found this book in the hospital library and borrowed it. Before the cancer spread, I was relying on the doctor, but now, you can't just rely on other people. I have to face the challenge myself to cure this disease. So I'm reading a lot of books and trying things that people say are good for me and felt that I needed to keep feeling positive all the time...used meditation repeatedly and after feeling so low for long, now I'm stronger, even a blackhole can't drag me in. The people around me helped along; of course, I couldn't do it just by myself. I relayed to my family the state of my disease and declared that I will never give up. Everyone cooperated with me. I couldn't thank them more. All the encouragement by mail and through the net helped me many times. I read them over and over still.
Like anti-cancer drugs, Immunocytotherapy doesn't work on everyone, but if there is even a remote chance to live, I want to try this treatment.
I didn't tell you all, but when I had the last diagnosis in Okayama, the cancer had spread to all of my right lung, several places in my brain (so bad that the cyberknife therapy is impossible), and spread larger in the liver, and had spread to the lymph and bone marrow. I don't know if they are lymph nodes, but there are lumps all over my body. The one at my waist grew larger and larger and became the size of a ping pong ball....it became smaller with the anti-cancer drugs, so it was probably cancer. Now that I think of it, the doctor would say to me to prepare for the ultimate, and I really did prepare to die.
It sounds really bad if I write like this, but now I feel much better, just don't have the physical strength.
The anti-cancer drug treatment I'm using now should finish with two more treatments. The cancer won't go away even after finishing all the treatments.
Immunocytotherapy is attracting attention as the fourth method of cancer treatment after the Big Three of surgery, anti-cancer medicine and radiation. You take a patient's blood, extract the cancer fighting cells such NK Cells and grow the cells and put them back into the body.
You're putting back your own blood, so there are no side effects. According to the books, many people, even people who were diagnosed as terminal cancer were cured.
I still have many things that I want to do, so I will keep up my spirits.
The deadline for the artists' application to the charity event was yesterday and wow! Over 100 artists, 105 in all! This is amazing. I think nobody, even my friends who planned this event didn't think that so many people would apply. I was a bit sorry for causing all trouble but now that so many people are rooting for me, I will keep my spirits up.
What makes me excited now is to imagine the smiling faces of my friends when I go back to Tokyo.
It's raining today in Fukuyama and when I woke up, it was really really cold.
So I quickly put on the Uniqlo Heattech pants that my sister-in-law gave me, the loose clothing that Ojiyan gave me, the waist warmer that Moja gave me, the nitted hat that sioux gave me; the complete toasty outfit, all of them gifts....feeling very loved, me.
It has been a week since the anti-cancer drug treatment. The sleepiness and drowsy feeling has gone away but the side effects and the bone marrow toxicity should lead to lower white blood cell count and if I get a cold during this period, it will lead to pneumonia and emphysema, so I really need to be careful
Tomorrow Masao-san will take my medical records to talk in detail to an immunocytotherapy doctor in Osaka whom my friend told me about. It'd be better if I can go but I still can't travel long distances....
By the way the hospital I'm at can't do the immunocytotherapy. There are hospitals which have started using immunocytotherapy but I guess it's still difficult. In Hiroshima city they can do the anti-cancer drug treatment along with the immunocytotherapy, but Hiroshima city is too far.
My city, Fukuyama city, located in Hiroshima prefecture is closer to Okayama prefecture, so Okayama city is closer for me.
Yesterday I found this book in the hospital library and borrowed it. Before the cancer spread, I was relying on the doctor, but now, you can't just rely on other people. I have to face the challenge myself to cure this disease. So I'm reading a lot of books and trying things that people say are good for me and felt that I needed to keep feeling positive all the time...used meditation repeatedly and after feeling so low for long, now I'm stronger, even a blackhole can't drag me in. The people around me helped along; of course, I couldn't do it just by myself. I relayed to my family the state of my disease and declared that I will never give up. Everyone cooperated with me. I couldn't thank them more. All the encouragement by mail and through the net helped me many times. I read them over and over still.
Like anti-cancer drugs, Immunocytotherapy doesn't work on everyone, but if there is even a remote chance to live, I want to try this treatment.
I didn't tell you all, but when I had the last diagnosis in Okayama, the cancer had spread to all of my right lung, several places in my brain (so bad that the cyberknife therapy is impossible), and spread larger in the liver, and had spread to the lymph and bone marrow. I don't know if they are lymph nodes, but there are lumps all over my body. The one at my waist grew larger and larger and became the size of a ping pong ball....it became smaller with the anti-cancer drugs, so it was probably cancer. Now that I think of it, the doctor would say to me to prepare for the ultimate, and I really did prepare to die.
It sounds really bad if I write like this, but now I feel much better, just don't have the physical strength.
The anti-cancer drug treatment I'm using now should finish with two more treatments. The cancer won't go away even after finishing all the treatments.
Immunocytotherapy is attracting attention as the fourth method of cancer treatment after the Big Three of surgery, anti-cancer medicine and radiation. You take a patient's blood, extract the cancer fighting cells such NK Cells and grow the cells and put them back into the body.
You're putting back your own blood, so there are no side effects. According to the books, many people, even people who were diagnosed as terminal cancer were cured.
I still have many things that I want to do, so I will keep up my spirits.
The deadline for the artists' application to the charity event was yesterday and wow! Over 100 artists, 105 in all! This is amazing. I think nobody, even my friends who planned this event didn't think that so many people would apply. I was a bit sorry for causing all trouble but now that so many people are rooting for me, I will keep my spirits up.
What makes me excited now is to imagine the smiling faces of my friends when I go back to Tokyo.
10/16/2010
October 16, 2010 14:04 Anti-cancer drug (the 2nd period) - the next day
Last night, I felt my body was so heavy, just like I was wrapped by iron chains. Even though the heavy feeling was gone by the time when I woke up, my body feels so tired and dull, and now my head feels so heavy.
I think the same thing happened to me when I took the anti-cancer drug last time.
This is my condition on the next day I had the anti-cancer drug.
The above picture is my breakfast.
I asked hospital to skip my breakfast plan, and I usually make something what I want to eat.
Lately, my favorite is non sugar serial with yogurt and banana on top.
Raisin and banana are natural sweetener. It's pretty good. I also had Salad and Vegetable juice. When I get tired of serials, I eat brown rice bread roll. I prefer to eat bread for breakfast instead of Japanese traditional breakfast (Rice & Miso Soup).
10/15/2010
October 15, 2010 14:29 May it work!
Beat the cancer cells off with my white blood cells!
The background music is Unicorn.
Sioux-san, thank you for the CD!
Lying down on the bed, I keep imagining the anti-cancer drug attacks the cancer.
October 15, 2010 14:29 May it work!
Do not kill my good cells, but attack only the cancer cells! Go,Go,Go, fighters! GO!!!
10/14/2010
October 14, 2010 9:38 Recent Events
Since I've disclosed that I have cancer, I've received lots of information on effective treatments for cancer. It's been great since I can't do all the research myself and the experiences of people and acquaintances help me a lot. Masao-san and I too read a lot of books on cancer that we could get our hands on. The things I'm doing stoically are a diet and vegetable juice and meditation.
The diet consists of lots of vegetables and no meat, fish, sugar and salt. Mushrooms are supposed to be good for cancer so I'm eating a lot of it. Eating a lot of vegetables has its limits, so vegetable juice is a must. 1.5 Litres (One and half quart) per day. I have it delivered from home three times a day.
And I'm also taking some traditional Chinese medicine and an immuno booster recommended by my friend; these were prohibited when I was participating in the new drug tests.
Both cost a lot and if you had known about it in a magazine it would seem suspect at best, but I bought it since my friends and acquaintances told me that it was really good.
Thanks to it, my bowel movements are excellent
Nothing can be better than getting up in the morning, doing your business straight and clean, and eating a delicious breakfast on an empty stomach. It's very fortunate to look forward to each morning and feel alive every morning.
About when I was moving out of Okayama Hospital, they had told me that they might have to put tubes into my neck to get an IV for nutrition because I risked blockage of the intestines...
Since I moved to this hospital, my condition has improved a lot and since I'm not connected to anything, I'm moving around a lot and my physical strength is coming back. Before I couldn't even get up a single step on the staircase and needed help...it was quite a shock to me that I couldn't get up.
The good thing about this hospital is that there is a garden on the third floor and you take a little walk and there is big bath tub on the highest floor, so you can take a dip while taking in the view of sky. And, when I take the bath, somehow there is nobody there, so I have it all to myself.
Mixi (Japanese version of Facebook) has not been updated because my condition is getting better and I'm replying to all the e-mails and letters that I've received and getting out of the hospital because my condition is better...it's not because of the side effects, so don't worry.
So I've updated mixi today and replying back might take some more time...I've allocated only so much time to e-mailing each day...my apologies.
And this past week my friends from the states come from San Francisco and Texas to visit me. My condition was better and I wanted them to have a good time, so we went to a mall near the hospital, had my friends eat at home with me, and play with Yukuri. Fukuyama doesn't have lot for sightseeing..seriously...
If it had been Okayama, there would have been lots....
They told me that they only wanted to see me, but since my condition was good, I thought I would have a good time within the appropriate confines.
Had a wheelchair in the mall too.
Even though my condition is better, I still can't walk or stand up for a long period of time.
This Friday, meaning tomorrow, if there are no problems with today's blood tests, the second cool of anti-cancer drugs will start.
The result of the first cool shows that the shadows of the cancer are getting thinner, so the growth seems to have slowed down. The current anti-cancer drug seems to be working so we'll continue this drug called “Arimuta”.
This is all from your prayers, so please continue to pray that the anti-cancer drugs will continue to work.
However, anti-cancer drugs are only a life prolonging treatment. If you continue using it, it'll stop working sooner or later and you have to use a different drug. I've heard two and half year is max.
So when I get the chance I'd like to try the immunocytotherapy that my friend told me.
10/08/2010
October 8 2010 13:31 [Meaning of a] Word
There is a word I least want to hear ever since I’ve gotten cancer.
That is “ Poor thing…” i.e. [I feel] “sorry” [for you].
I do have cancer but that doesn’t mean I want to swap lives with someone else or pitied myself so when someone says that to me, it makes me feel really miserable.
Apparently, that’s the way I appear to others - something to be pitied on.
I don’t mind if you say it somewhere else but I don’t want you to say I feel sorry for you in my face, and I certainly don’t want someone to feel sorry for me.
I’ve received lots of love and discovered lots of invaluable things by having cancer. & don’t think I’m trying too hard to mask the situation. Sure, it was shocking to find out I have cancer but I think I am a happier person now than before.
So please don’t feel sorry for me.
Also, one more thing. There are people who hesitate using the expression “Gambatte” since I’m already working hard but I don’t mind people saying more of that to me. I take it as a sign of support that you are rooting for me. & that makes me happy and want to say thank you- I will make an effort.
“Gambare”(”hang in there”) is a word by those who are rooting for me and believing in me.
“Gambare”(”keep your chin up”) is a word that gives me a little kick when I’m feeling weak inside.
Thank you for always supporting me.
I will keep soldering on.
That is “ Poor thing…” i.e. [I feel] “sorry” [for you].
I do have cancer but that doesn’t mean I want to swap lives with someone else or pitied myself so when someone says that to me, it makes me feel really miserable.
Apparently, that’s the way I appear to others - something to be pitied on.
I don’t mind if you say it somewhere else but I don’t want you to say I feel sorry for you in my face, and I certainly don’t want someone to feel sorry for me.
I’ve received lots of love and discovered lots of invaluable things by having cancer. & don’t think I’m trying too hard to mask the situation. Sure, it was shocking to find out I have cancer but I think I am a happier person now than before.
So please don’t feel sorry for me.
Also, one more thing. There are people who hesitate using the expression “Gambatte” since I’m already working hard but I don’t mind people saying more of that to me. I take it as a sign of support that you are rooting for me. & that makes me happy and want to say thank you- I will make an effort.
“Gambare”(”hang in there”) is a word by those who are rooting for me and believing in me.
“Gambare”(”keep your chin up”) is a word that gives me a little kick when I’m feeling weak inside.
Thank you for always supporting me.
I will keep soldering on.
10/04/2010
October 4, 2010 16:05 After the hospital switch, and about the charity
I didn't write for a while, but I'm well.
On the 22nd, I was told that the cancer tumor was growing large and there were multiple metastases newly discovered in my brain and I was feeling completely hopeless, but the response comments to my diary I wrote that day really made me feel like I would never ever give up. I went to sleep holding my cell phone so tight.
I am sorry that I can't write response to everyone of you individually, but I want to say to you all that I could never feel this strong and encouraged without your support.
I cannot thank you enough.
Anyhow, I was surprised and humbled by the size of responses to the charity. This is all because of the help from Ojiyan and all other friends who are organizing it, not me. I'm sorry.. I'm just lying in bed and can't do anything.
I want to go to the event venue.
I want to go there to meet each one of you and thank you.
Well, I can't wait for that to happen but in the meantime the attendants seem to keep growing. Among them, I see names of my classmates from New York, someone who wanted to attend even though I met just once or twice and hardly spoke with, or someone who I haven't even met but heard about me and wanted to help. There will never be an event where this many artists from around the world get together to do an exhibition. I really can't believe that it is being done for me. Honestly, I'd never expected something like this to happen. I'm so thankful and humbled that I feel bad, to be honest.
Thank you so much everyone.
Really, thank you all.
On the 22nd, I was told that the cancer tumor was growing large and there were multiple metastases newly discovered in my brain and I was feeling completely hopeless, but the response comments to my diary I wrote that day really made me feel like I would never ever give up. I went to sleep holding my cell phone so tight.
I am sorry that I can't write response to everyone of you individually, but I want to say to you all that I could never feel this strong and encouraged without your support.
I cannot thank you enough.
Anyhow, I was surprised and humbled by the size of responses to the charity. This is all because of the help from Ojiyan and all other friends who are organizing it, not me. I'm sorry.. I'm just lying in bed and can't do anything.
I want to go to the event venue.
I want to go there to meet each one of you and thank you.
Well, I can't wait for that to happen but in the meantime the attendants seem to keep growing. Among them, I see names of my classmates from New York, someone who wanted to attend even though I met just once or twice and hardly spoke with, or someone who I haven't even met but heard about me and wanted to help. There will never be an event where this many artists from around the world get together to do an exhibition. I really can't believe that it is being done for me. Honestly, I'd never expected something like this to happen. I'm so thankful and humbled that I feel bad, to be honest.
Thank you so much everyone.
Really, thank you all.
9/29/2010
September 29, 2010 17:30 Changed hospital
Early this morning, I was transferred to a different hospital on a sleeping car.
It is a hospital called Chugoku Chuo Hospital, near my parents’ home.
Okayama University Hospital was such a comfortable hospital with great doctors and nurses, I was a bit anxious about changing, but not a problem at all.
The doctors and nurses here are just as great.
I am going to fight against cancer with the help of my family, so I can get out of the hospital and be able to get out of the hospital. I hope I can get well enough to be able to stay at home and make regular hospital visits.
It is a hospital called Chugoku Chuo Hospital, near my parents’ home.
Okayama University Hospital was such a comfortable hospital with great doctors and nurses, I was a bit anxious about changing, but not a problem at all.
The doctors and nurses here are just as great.
I am going to fight against cancer with the help of my family, so I can get out of the hospital and be able to get out of the hospital. I hope I can get well enough to be able to stay at home and make regular hospital visits.
9/26/2010
September 26, 2010 8:46 AAAAAAH！
The other day, I received an autographed photo collection of UNICORN.It’s great, I love it, makes me feel really good!
It even has “Dear Yukiko” on the cover.
I had asked a friend who was working on a collaboration work with one of the Unicorn member, Abe-san, for their autograph. I was half joking, but they sent it to me right away. And it wasn’t even just the autograph, but on their photo collection!
This friend sent me an encouragement message telling me that Abe-san is also thinking about me. I am a very lucky person. Cancer not only brings me suffering, but it also brings me good things too. I knew I was getting this package, so when I received this at the nurse station, I opened it right away and showed off to the nurses!To UNICORN members, thank you very much! And KO-san who asked for this autograph, thanks so much. This has given me a lot of energy!
9/25/2010
September 25, 2010 14:56 Since the 22nd
It goes back a bit… I called Tara-chan on the evening of the 21st, to inform her that the cancer is growing. She kindly told me “I will be there tomorrow.”
I have mentioned that I was not able to sleep that evening, the following morning, my mom came to the hospital at about 6am. When I saw her, I was in tears. We hugged and cried and cried. On the 22nd, the draining tube from my lungs were taken off, and I was free. Anti-cancer drug starts on the 24th and I had permission to go out on the 23rd. Tara-chan suggested my mom to take me home for a day. She said that she would support me all day. So, to my surprise, I was able to go home for a day.
My uncle who works for a taxi company, kindly prepared a sleeping car for me, so I could go home lying down.
At home, all my favorite food were prepared. At the hospital, I couldn’t eat anything, but that day, I ate everything. It was sooo delicious! I was able to go back to where I had wanted to be, and everyone had a wonderful time and we were all so happy. My high school classmates came to visit, and we cried a bit.
Toy Story 3 was still on at the theater nearby, so Masao-san, Yukuri, and I went to see it. I found out why Lotso, that stuffed doll I received, smells like strawberries. He is a bad guy, but actually has a reason for it. He is a sweet character.
I am so glad I got to see this movie at the theater. The story was great, but when I saw the credits at the end of the movie, I was really thrilled. Daisu, it’s incredible that you were doing the art direction for this great movie.
I got a lot of energy and encouragement from this movie.
Fun time flies. Had great soba for dinner, and I ate all, and came back to reality.
A lot of drugs were prescribed, but all I needed to take was the fever reducer.
Tara-chan is a wonderful person. My mom said, she is like a god. Her child is only 7 months old. It’s not easy for a person to travel so far to visit a friend, because she is sick. She is GREAT. Thank you so much Tara-chan.
The moon I saw from the sleeping car was round and beautiful.
In the morning, it was raining, and I was hoping it would dry out, but eventually the sun came out, and by evening. I was able to see a beautiful full moon.
It sure was a wonderful day!!
I have mentioned that I was not able to sleep that evening, the following morning, my mom came to the hospital at about 6am. When I saw her, I was in tears. We hugged and cried and cried. On the 22nd, the draining tube from my lungs were taken off, and I was free. Anti-cancer drug starts on the 24th and I had permission to go out on the 23rd. Tara-chan suggested my mom to take me home for a day. She said that she would support me all day. So, to my surprise, I was able to go home for a day.
My uncle who works for a taxi company, kindly prepared a sleeping car for me, so I could go home lying down.
At home, all my favorite food were prepared. At the hospital, I couldn’t eat anything, but that day, I ate everything. It was sooo delicious! I was able to go back to where I had wanted to be, and everyone had a wonderful time and we were all so happy. My high school classmates came to visit, and we cried a bit.
Toy Story 3 was still on at the theater nearby, so Masao-san, Yukuri, and I went to see it. I found out why Lotso, that stuffed doll I received, smells like strawberries. He is a bad guy, but actually has a reason for it. He is a sweet character.
I am so glad I got to see this movie at the theater. The story was great, but when I saw the credits at the end of the movie, I was really thrilled. Daisu, it’s incredible that you were doing the art direction for this great movie.
I got a lot of energy and encouragement from this movie.
Fun time flies. Had great soba for dinner, and I ate all, and came back to reality.
A lot of drugs were prescribed, but all I needed to take was the fever reducer.
Tara-chan is a wonderful person. My mom said, she is like a god. Her child is only 7 months old. It’s not easy for a person to travel so far to visit a friend, because she is sick. She is GREAT. Thank you so much Tara-chan.
The moon I saw from the sleeping car was round and beautiful.
In the morning, it was raining, and I was hoping it would dry out, but eventually the sun came out, and by evening. I was able to see a beautiful full moon.
It sure was a wonderful day!!
9/24/2010
September 24, 2010 21:14 Message from Ojiyan
Ojiyan is organizing a charity exhibit for me in November. Below is her message. Thank you so much, Ojiyan!
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
maro and her cheerful friends
◆A charity exhibition to support Maro who has cancer.
A Japanese illustrator, Maro, has been undergoing difficult cancer treatments for the last few months. All of us, her friends, want to do something to show support for her. Many artists have volunteered to participate and organize this event.
All the donations and proceeds of this charity will be used only for Maro's treatment and for her 3 year-old daughter, Yukuri.
◆Date and Place
November 18-23 (12:00 – 19:00. Until 17:00 on the 23rd)The location is at Gallerie Juillet in Koenji, where Maro was originally planning to have an exhibit in November. Thanks to Ms. Fukuda, who have kindly offered to let us use the place. For more details, please refer to the website.
I am looking forward to many of you attending.
http://home.u06.itscom.net/ojiyan/index.html
Yuko Ojima(ojiyan)
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
maro and her cheerful friends
◆A charity exhibition to support Maro who has cancer.
A Japanese illustrator, Maro, has been undergoing difficult cancer treatments for the last few months. All of us, her friends, want to do something to show support for her. Many artists have volunteered to participate and organize this event.
All the donations and proceeds of this charity will be used only for Maro's treatment and for her 3 year-old daughter, Yukuri.
◆Date and Place
November 18-23 (12:00 – 19:00. Until 17:00 on the 23rd)The location is at Gallerie Juillet in Koenji, where Maro was originally planning to have an exhibit in November. Thanks to Ms. Fukuda, who have kindly offered to let us use the place. For more details, please refer to the website.
I am looking forward to many of you attending.
http://home.u06.itscom.net/ojiyan/index.html
Yuko Ojima(ojiyan)
September 24, 2010 14:48 The wish 2
Hope, this also attacks only cancer cells with the least side effect. Please.
September 24, 2010 13:50 The wish
Please, Please, take effect….
For God’s sake.
9/22/2010
September 22, 2010 11:58 Facing the cancer
Yesterday the doctor in charge of me came and told me with a grave expression that the new drug had not worked, that the cancer is growing and that another anti-cancer drug will be used from Friday. I had expected much from this new drug, and it felt like I was thrown into an abyss. The cancer had grown into where the fluids were and had come close to where the draining tube was.
The new drug can only be at Okayama University but other anti-cancer drugs can be used at other hospitals, so I will move to a hospital closer to my parents’ home.
The hospital where I’m at takes an hour and half from my parents’ home and my parents and my child couldn’t visit so often, but the Chuo Hospital near my parents’ home is only a ten minute drive, so I can see Yukuri every day.
My mother is also worried constantly when I’m away from home, and when I told her that the cancer had grown, she gave me a call while crying and said, “Come back home, you’ve done enough already.” I’ll follow the advice. Okayama is a nice place, but closer to my home is better.
I couldn’t sleep last night and had the staff from Palliative Care listen to me all night long and after getting an aroma massage could sleep a little calmly.
You know, I’m not afraid of dying.
But I can’t bear to leave behind the many things and important things.
The doctors faintly suggest that I should spend more time with my close friends and family and hold dear the present moments. Is my cancer getting so worse…..
Okay, that’s it!
No more pity tales!
The new anti-cancer drugs should work!
We’re going to beat the cancer!
The new drug can only be at Okayama University but other anti-cancer drugs can be used at other hospitals, so I will move to a hospital closer to my parents’ home.
The hospital where I’m at takes an hour and half from my parents’ home and my parents and my child couldn’t visit so often, but the Chuo Hospital near my parents’ home is only a ten minute drive, so I can see Yukuri every day.
My mother is also worried constantly when I’m away from home, and when I told her that the cancer had grown, she gave me a call while crying and said, “Come back home, you’ve done enough already.” I’ll follow the advice. Okayama is a nice place, but closer to my home is better.
I couldn’t sleep last night and had the staff from Palliative Care listen to me all night long and after getting an aroma massage could sleep a little calmly.
You know, I’m not afraid of dying.
But I can’t bear to leave behind the many things and important things.
The doctors faintly suggest that I should spend more time with my close friends and family and hold dear the present moments. Is my cancer getting so worse…..
Okay, that’s it!
No more pity tales!
The new anti-cancer drugs should work!
We’re going to beat the cancer!
9/19/2010
September 19, 2010 8:31 Weekness
I realize I am loved by so many people since I found out that I have cancer. I get messages from all over the world. I get phone calls from California, New York, and France. A friend came and visited me from Florida. Many people visit me from different parts of Japan. The mother of a friend from New York, whom I have never met, sent me a package of rice from Niigata and thanked me for being good to her daughter. She wrote to me, “Whenever my daughter calls me, she always talks about you and tells me what a wonderful friend you are.” So many people are cheering me up and giving me support. I feel miserable for not being able to answer all the messages of support and I don’t know what to write in Mixi (Japanese version of Facebook) anymore and have even lost the spirit to continue writing.
I am trying so hard to take these medications. But they are not working. The cancer is getting bigger. They might change to a different medication. They will decide next week after getting results of the CT. I was hoping the medication would work and there would be no more inflammation so I could go home. My body temperature goes up every day. I throw up every day. I have diarrhea, weight loss, no appetite. I have blood tests every day, an intravenous four times a day. I have pain from the drain, and the body I can’t move freely. It has been two months since I have been hospitalized. My mental state is getting close to reaching the limit. I am getting sick of everything. But I don’t want to die. What do I do?
Next week if they put me on a different medication with a lot of side effects, I am not sure if my body can tolerate it physically, mentally.
Yesterday I was thinking about my funeral all day. I heard that the good thing about having cancer is that you can prepare your death. I want my picture on the altar to be the one where I am wearing a kimono and a red wig. It was taken a few years ago at a costume party. And I want music by “Greeen.” While I still have the energy, I want to write a letter for people who come to the funeral, something that will make them cry and laugh. I was thinking things like that yesterday.
Slowly and surely my body is invaded by cancer.
I want to live and go home.
I wonder why God doesn’t allow me to have even that wish.
I am trying so hard to take these medications. But they are not working. The cancer is getting bigger. They might change to a different medication. They will decide next week after getting results of the CT. I was hoping the medication would work and there would be no more inflammation so I could go home. My body temperature goes up every day. I throw up every day. I have diarrhea, weight loss, no appetite. I have blood tests every day, an intravenous four times a day. I have pain from the drain, and the body I can’t move freely. It has been two months since I have been hospitalized. My mental state is getting close to reaching the limit. I am getting sick of everything. But I don’t want to die. What do I do?
Next week if they put me on a different medication with a lot of side effects, I am not sure if my body can tolerate it physically, mentally.
Yesterday I was thinking about my funeral all day. I heard that the good thing about having cancer is that you can prepare your death. I want my picture on the altar to be the one where I am wearing a kimono and a red wig. It was taken a few years ago at a costume party. And I want music by “Greeen.” While I still have the energy, I want to write a letter for people who come to the funeral, something that will make them cry and laugh. I was thinking things like that yesterday.
Slowly and surely my body is invaded by cancer.
I want to live and go home.
I wonder why God doesn’t allow me to have even that wish.
9/13/2010
September 13, 2010 10:12 Feeling downward
I haven’t updated my diary lately. It is because I’m in this downward mode.
Please don’t worry, though. I will write again when I feel better.
Please don’t worry, though. I will write again when I feel better.
9/07/2010
September 7, 2010 7:56 Depressed
Apparently there is a lot of pus in my lungs, I need to get tubes from my lungs to drain it out.
This is a simple surgery and it will be performed at noon today. Supposed to be a simple process, but it is pretty depressing to get it. THAT again…
When I was told that yesterday, I felt so bad and was just sick of everything and felt like screaming from the top of my lungs, but I can’t be screaming in my hospital room, so I screamed into my pillow… which is a little secret….
This is a simple surgery and it will be performed at noon today. Supposed to be a simple process, but it is pretty depressing to get it. THAT again…
When I was told that yesterday, I felt so bad and was just sick of everything and felt like screaming from the top of my lungs, but I can’t be screaming in my hospital room, so I screamed into my pillow… which is a little secret….
9/06/2010
September 6, 2010 9:27 Side effects of the new drug
It has been a week since I have been on this new drug.
For the time being, the side effects are nausea and numbness in my tongue.
The doctor said that there should be no nausea side effect, but lately there seem to be reports of such side effects, so this must be from the drug.
Last week I vomited for 3 consecutive days. One of the days, I felt sick, fell, and vomited while visiting the floor downstairs, so I was brought back on a stretcher. Oh, dear....
So now, the doctor prescribed an anti-nausea drug along with the new drug.
I wish they’d give me less drugs, instead of the anti-nausea, but I guess that’s not possible.... Oh, too bad.
I need to take this new drug twice a day, mornings and evenings. This drug time is dreadful.
It’s hard to swallow, and the sweet coating seems to be thin, so if I can’t swallow it at the right timing, I can taste the strong bitterness around my throat.
Oh, and I’m starting to have fever again since last week. Getting IV again. Problems after problems....
X-ray today. I hope the cancer is getting smaller. If it is, I’d be happy to take those drugs.
For the time being, the side effects are nausea and numbness in my tongue.
The doctor said that there should be no nausea side effect, but lately there seem to be reports of such side effects, so this must be from the drug.
Last week I vomited for 3 consecutive days. One of the days, I felt sick, fell, and vomited while visiting the floor downstairs, so I was brought back on a stretcher. Oh, dear....
So now, the doctor prescribed an anti-nausea drug along with the new drug.
I wish they’d give me less drugs, instead of the anti-nausea, but I guess that’s not possible.... Oh, too bad.
I need to take this new drug twice a day, mornings and evenings. This drug time is dreadful.
It’s hard to swallow, and the sweet coating seems to be thin, so if I can’t swallow it at the right timing, I can taste the strong bitterness around my throat.
Oh, and I’m starting to have fever again since last week. Getting IV again. Problems after problems....
X-ray today. I hope the cancer is getting smaller. If it is, I’d be happy to take those drugs.
9/02/2010
September 2, 2010 8:00 September already
It’s been 4 days since I started taking the new drug.Seems like I am getting better and better every day.
Yesterday, I felt so good when I woke up, I ended up morning a lot and doing a lot of things. Probably because of that, I started feeling sick around 9, and along with that, I felt really sleepy. I ended up sleeping all day, since the sleepiness and sickness never went away.
The doctor said, “This drug is not supposed to make you feel sick.” The first two days, I did not have this symptom and I felt all right. It’s only the third day that this symptom occurred, so I don’t know what made me so sick. Continuous sleepiness. Just like the morning sickness during the first trimester of pregnancy.
Wouldn’t it be funny if my tummy started getting bigger and bigger, and I have a baby? And the doctor would say, “No, you never had cancer. You were pregnant ” What a big big mistake.
Nope. Impossible. Too much X-rays, too much anti-cancer shots, too much drugs every day. Impossible for a healthy baby anyway.
Well, enough of my fantasies. Better start exercising to get more physical strength.
When I get stronger, I’m gonna get permission to go out and go see Toy Story 3 That is my goal for now. Better go soon before it finishes.
8/31/2010
August 31, 2010 09:28 Started to use new drugs
But I should not complain. 5 persons out of 100 persons have the gene fits this drug. I won the pill with 1/2 odds. It is effective for 70% patients. The effect can be seen in one week at the earliest. I hope it will work and get rid of the cancer.
8/30/2010
August 30, 2010 18:00 Today's professor's round
The professor did not blink though all other doctors behind him laughed loudly. He checked me in the mask with his amazed eyes and mentioned "you involved the nurse this time....". It was very successful today too!
August 30, 2010 08:38 Great!
I won the pill. It's about the new drug starting today. Great!! Odds were 50%-50% but I finally got to the pill without any mishaps. Wonderful! Thank you for praying for me. I hope the new medicine works!
The nurse told me that the other patient who could not go to the restroom alone recovered by this drug to be able to go home and stay a night. I can go to the restroom alone so I look forward to how much I will recover by this medicine.
This is said to be effective for 70% of the patients. I hope that the drug works to me too. And with fewer side effect...
The nurse told me that the other patient who could not go to the restroom alone recovered by this drug to be able to go home and stay a night. I can go to the restroom alone so I look forward to how much I will recover by this medicine.
This is said to be effective for 70% of the patients. I hope that the drug works to me too. And with fewer side effect...
8/28/2010
August 28, 2010 12:34 Age of resistance.
Sorry for taking time to update the blog.
I got many tests everyday this week. I was bit tired because the contrast agent used for each CT sanning made me feel sick and to be honest, I became tired of everything. I understand everyone is worried about me but Maro-san is now very tired..
On top of constant diarrhea, yesterday, I could not stop throwing up. I have been exhausted and cannot yet recover today. I entered the rebellious phase and started to refuse to take medicine yesterday. Because the number of pills is only increasing. Some of them come with stomach medicine because they are too strong to the stomach. I strongly refused to take any medicine because it's just too much. My stomach is crying for a break. A bad patient, isn't it?
The doctor in charge came to see me today. She reviewed medicine, explained about it and reduced some. Should act like a baby sometimes!
By the way, the tube is gone. A surgery doctor came and removed it about 3 days ago. I was making a big fuss because I was told to remove it without anesthesia. Looking back, it was ok but the tube inside me was 15 cm long and the wound was not healed ---! He said me to hold the breath and it happened in a split second. The tube was taken off like yeuuuuun... Haaaa, I never want to have a tube connected to me again.
I got many tests everyday this week. I was bit tired because the contrast agent used for each CT sanning made me feel sick and to be honest, I became tired of everything. I understand everyone is worried about me but Maro-san is now very tired..
On top of constant diarrhea, yesterday, I could not stop throwing up. I have been exhausted and cannot yet recover today. I entered the rebellious phase and started to refuse to take medicine yesterday. Because the number of pills is only increasing. Some of them come with stomach medicine because they are too strong to the stomach. I strongly refused to take any medicine because it's just too much. My stomach is crying for a break. A bad patient, isn't it?
The doctor in charge came to see me today. She reviewed medicine, explained about it and reduced some. Should act like a baby sometimes!
By the way, the tube is gone. A surgery doctor came and removed it about 3 days ago. I was making a big fuss because I was told to remove it without anesthesia. Looking back, it was ok but the tube inside me was 15 cm long and the wound was not healed ---! He said me to hold the breath and it happened in a split second. The tube was taken off like yeuuuuun... Haaaa, I never want to have a tube connected to me again.
8/23/2010
August 23, 2010 10:53 TV personalities announced to have a lung cancer
I did not pay attention to Nashimoto-san before I got a cancer but the news of his death was really shocking to me who had a lung cancer at the same time.
But Makino-san is undergoing the second cool of the anti-cancer treatment. I'm still fine and will have the new drug from now. Due to the advancement of medicine, the cancer is no longer the disease resulting in death. But if the anti-cancer treatment does not work, the cancer develops and could result in death. No matter how strongly I wish to live, that's the fact.
The daughter of Cathy Nakajima who passed away last year also had a lung cancer. It's a problem that a lung cancer is not considered if you are young even if something is on the lung X-ray. It happened to me too. I had something on the lung X-ray in early May. I was diagnosed to have a lung cancer on July 14. Naomi-san, daughter of Cathy Nakajima went to see a doctor in January because cough did not stop. Diagnosed bronchitis. In February, she was told to have pneumonia at a different hospital in February. At the third hospital, she was finally diagnosed to have a lung cancer but died at the age of 29 after 5 months of struggle.
After I had the lung cancer, I read blogs of people who have lung cancers. There are girls at the age of 23 or 24. A person at the stage 4 is living cheerfully.
No one has the same life as the other person. This is true even if you have a lung cancer. Everyone who is born will die. But one forgets it and life is taken for granted. It's ok, I think. People are created to forget. No one lives thinking that s/he might die tomorrow. It's too sad and painful to have such life. Feeling sadness gets you nowhere.
It's a mischief if you don't enjoy the life given. A life has its meaning only when you shine it.
Well well well, I have the Professor's round today. Got to think about how to have a good time with them.
May the soul of Nashimoto-san rest in peace.
August 22, 2010 13:01 Under an IV
I took a medicine and was in bed this morning because of the headache. Though the brain tumor was eliminated, it is not all gone. It will become smaller over a half year after the radiation therapy. So I have this headache from time to time.
When I have a headache, I become worried that I might have got another tumor in the head. And, oh no, I'm losing weight. I'm seriously concerned. My weight is 5 kg lighter than my best. I'm not bragging. I feel nausea - I'm so skinny. If I lose more... ohhhhhh, I have to stop it.
The tube that was originally scheduled to be removed in one week is still in me. Thinking well, this tube and machine are now part of my lung. It's amazing.
My beautiful doctor in charge came yesterday to say that this tube would be taken off on Tuesday and a new drug would be given to me from Wednesday. It's a new drug and a lottery is used to decide IV or a pill. I don't know which one I will be given. Pleeeeeease give me a pill.
According to the Professor, I will have to go to Boston and Seoul if I want to receive this new drug at the place other than the Okayama University. The doctors who know that I was in the U.S. said "Boston is good, isn't it?". How can I go to the U.S. in this physical condition where I have no medical insurance!
I happened to be in the Okayama University, to have the gene that fits this new drug and to be just ahead of using this new drug. I really wish I could get the pill!
When I have a headache, I become worried that I might have got another tumor in the head. And, oh no, I'm losing weight. I'm seriously concerned. My weight is 5 kg lighter than my best. I'm not bragging. I feel nausea - I'm so skinny. If I lose more... ohhhhhh, I have to stop it.
The tube that was originally scheduled to be removed in one week is still in me. Thinking well, this tube and machine are now part of my lung. It's amazing.
My beautiful doctor in charge came yesterday to say that this tube would be taken off on Tuesday and a new drug would be given to me from Wednesday. It's a new drug and a lottery is used to decide IV or a pill. I don't know which one I will be given. Pleeeeeease give me a pill.
According to the Professor, I will have to go to Boston and Seoul if I want to receive this new drug at the place other than the Okayama University. The doctors who know that I was in the U.S. said "Boston is good, isn't it?". How can I go to the U.S. in this physical condition where I have no medical insurance!
I happened to be in the Okayama University, to have the gene that fits this new drug and to be just ahead of using this new drug. I really wish I could get the pill!
8/20/2010
August 20, 2010 11:04 These days.
One week has passed since the tube came into my lung. Every day, the lung is being washed spending about three hours. I still have muddy fluid so I need to have this tube for a little more. By the way, I've forgotten to announce the name of the tube. I rejected your idea of Naoto Kan* and named Blue-sky. As you can see from the picture, it's blue. That's the reason. I don't like Naoto Kan, sorry!
Mothers of Yukuri's friends visited me the other day and gave me a T-shirt with messages. I thought the messages came from several mothers with whom we always spent time together but many people gave me messages, which greatly touched my heart. I'm a very lucky person. Thank you very much!Today's menu - one blood test, 4 transfusions and the lung wash. I will try.
* Naoto Kan is the Prime Minister of Japan. “Kan” means tube in Japanese.
8/18/2010
August 18, 2010 11:45 Professor's Round 2
When I put on a funny costume at his first round, I asked only one of the nurses to let me know when the professor's team arrived. All nurses knew this now. Today many of them said to me with a smile "he is coming now" "he is coming now" a number of times. I got excited each time when I heard the door knocked. Oh no!!! One time is enough!
Today, I faced the professor with the Afro hair and a tiny pair of glasses at the tip of nose. He said "Wow, here comes!" As he seemed to like this, I answered to him "I got some hair growing again" when he asked my health condition. My answer was sort of ignored... I will try a red wig and to be Yayoi Kusama next time. But the red wig is not so funny if it's only with that wig.. Mmmm..
Maro-san yesterday.
I got my lung washed with water. At the beginning the water was bursting but it became difficult to me and the water pressure was reduced. After the treatment I had a high fever all night.. could not eat.. it's tough.. I need to eat to have stamina but cannot.. I was swamped with sweat but cannot take a shower for the tube from the lung.. But once the lung is cleaned and inflammation is gone, the fever should be gone too and I can move to the next treatment. I have to hang in. . but I have a fever 38 centigrade (100 F) and higher continuously for a longer than one month.
Today, I faced the professor with the Afro hair and a tiny pair of glasses at the tip of nose. He said "Wow, here comes!" As he seemed to like this, I answered to him "I got some hair growing again" when he asked my health condition. My answer was sort of ignored... I will try a red wig and to be Yayoi Kusama next time. But the red wig is not so funny if it's only with that wig.. Mmmm..
Maro-san yesterday.
I got my lung washed with water. At the beginning the water was bursting but it became difficult to me and the water pressure was reduced. After the treatment I had a high fever all night.. could not eat.. it's tough.. I need to eat to have stamina but cannot.. I was swamped with sweat but cannot take a shower for the tube from the lung.. But once the lung is cleaned and inflammation is gone, the fever should be gone too and I can move to the next treatment. I have to hang in. . but I have a fever 38 centigrade (100 F) and higher continuously for a longer than one month.
8/16/2010
August 16, 2010 19:21 Professor's round
I have plenty of time everyday so I too need to find some fun. I will challenge him with the Afro hair and a tiny pair of glasses at the tip of nose. If you have any idea or costume, send them to me. Not O.T.T. but simple ones like sticking teeth, cat ears, and a party hat.
Maro's health condition of the day. The pain of the tube is getting less than yesterday. I can get up alone. And I was notified of the real life expectancy. It was shorter than what I expected. But I will live. Longer than that.
Something in me was gone after hearing that. I will live as best I can. That's it. I will not cry any more. I cannot afford crying.
Today, Yukuri came over. My beloved daughter is living at her very best. More than I am. I cannot give in.
8/15/2010
August 15, 2010 20:03 One month since then.
That's all. But I hope that the cancer will be smaller and I can return to the normal life soon...
Today I had an aroma massage by the therapist from Nagoya. Tara-chan arranged this before. She gives massages to cancer patients without charge! In addition, she gives massages as a volunteer at various places. She is a powerful person and gave me very good spirits. She taught Masao-san how to massage and gave the oil. Masao-san will give me massages from now on. Thank you, Tara-chan!!
8/14/2010
August 14, 2010 17:43 A tube sticking out of my lung.
I'm relieved that a tube was safely got through from the lung. Now I can see it sticking out of the side and fluid dripping to the machine next to me. I don't like this clear tube because I can see slightly bloodish fluid.. I can also see how much it is gathered.
Actually, the operation was scheduled yesterday. But after the blood test, the doctor suggested to use an IV with coagulant and they started preparing for it. All those preparations took time and they found out it would be at around 20:00 when the IV finishes. After that, another blood test would be necessary, pushing the operation to 22:00 by that time the hospital would have been short on staff, it's risky to have the operation at that late time, so it was canceled. I had a mixture feeling because I had been waiting to be called for the operation all day yesterday with my heart pumping hard! Give my stable heart beats back! Anyway, I went to sleep after getting vitamin IV which should give the same effects as the coagulant.
The next day, or today, the blood test turned out ok for a tube. I had explanations at 10:30 in the morning and was taken to the operation room. I was told that the tube would go to the chest through the rib. To relax, music was allowed so I brought the player and have it placed on the bed near my head. Of course I brought Shakira and I sang to the music trying to put off my attention from the operation. The doctor used the electrosurgical knife, taking into consideration a risk of non-stop bleeding. I can hear the noise cutting the skin and smell the burning... it was really good that I was with the music I love. The doctors and staff were all nice. They said "we gave you additional anesthetic as a service" and all the time in a friendly atmosphere. Nevertheless, it was painful and I was very nervous. I cried with a relief when I called Mom after the operation. It hurts when I move, the pain will last 2 to 3 days. I cannot even wake up alone. It continues to be difficult until I get used to it. I will carry this tube for a week or so. Once again I have an attendant. Well, what name I should choose for my new partner.
Actually, the operation was scheduled yesterday. But after the blood test, the doctor suggested to use an IV with coagulant and they started preparing for it. All those preparations took time and they found out it would be at around 20:00 when the IV finishes. After that, another blood test would be necessary, pushing the operation to 22:00 by that time the hospital would have been short on staff, it's risky to have the operation at that late time, so it was canceled. I had a mixture feeling because I had been waiting to be called for the operation all day yesterday with my heart pumping hard! Give my stable heart beats back! Anyway, I went to sleep after getting vitamin IV which should give the same effects as the coagulant.
The next day, or today, the blood test turned out ok for a tube. I had explanations at 10:30 in the morning and was taken to the operation room. I was told that the tube would go to the chest through the rib. To relax, music was allowed so I brought the player and have it placed on the bed near my head. Of course I brought Shakira and I sang to the music trying to put off my attention from the operation. The doctor used the electrosurgical knife, taking into consideration a risk of non-stop bleeding. I can hear the noise cutting the skin and smell the burning... it was really good that I was with the music I love. The doctors and staff were all nice. They said "we gave you additional anesthetic as a service" and all the time in a friendly atmosphere. Nevertheless, it was painful and I was very nervous. I cried with a relief when I called Mom after the operation. It hurts when I move, the pain will last 2 to 3 days. I cannot even wake up alone. It continues to be difficult until I get used to it. I will carry this tube for a week or so. Once again I have an attendant. Well, what name I should choose for my new partner.
8/13/2010
August 13, 2010 09:41 Washing the Lungs (another report follows)
I get nervous at every tests. I'm fighting hard, but fear how many times I will be let down. How many times do I have to get up from the very bottom? What did I do to deserve this?
It's not decided yet, but they might put a tube in my lungs and take the fluid out and wash out the lungs where the fluids had been. I'm taking blood thinners now so my blood is thin = no blood clotting = blood won't stop bleeding, so they have to have a surgeon take care of it.
I was so scared of the needle through my back, and the thought of tubes in my lungs..I'd faint at even the thought of it.
But if I get this treatment, I won't have the high fever so I'll do it. Today my mom was planning to bring Yukuri along but since this operation was scheduled it was put on hold...Yuku-chan mommy will keep up the fight
(The photo was taken with Yukuri's friend's mother)
P.S.: The doctor from the surgery department came and it was decided to put the tube in today. And only local anesthetic will be used. Someone who had an operation, tell me how to relax
8/12/2010
August 12, 2010 19:50 Fluids in the Lungs
Today the results of the CT scan with contrasting agents showed that there were a lot of fluids which were pushing against the heart; the doctors wanted to know whether the fluids had come from bacterial infections or from cancer, so they had put needles through my back to take samples of the fluid.
They put some anesthesia and had me wear a paper shirt with holes for the needle and it was a bit like a real operation, so it made me really nervous
Though the anesthesia hurt a bit, the rest was fine. The fluids were for testing, so they only took about 100cc.
Later on, while trying to get some rest lying down, I had a really really realistic dream where there was a big mirror and washbasin next to my bed and while I was sleeping at night, I felt somebody was in the room and looked at the mirror and the washbasin and there was a woman in a white kimono with long hair combing her hair and she noticed me and looked back at me suddenly and came right close to my face and I was so so scared that I had my eyes tight shut and she was saying something in a small voice, and I was so scared that I was trying to say help help help help and then I woke up.....I thought my heart would stop because I was so scared...I'll definitely sleep with my lights on tonight.
They put some anesthesia and had me wear a paper shirt with holes for the needle and it was a bit like a real operation, so it made me really nervous
Though the anesthesia hurt a bit, the rest was fine. The fluids were for testing, so they only took about 100cc.
Later on, while trying to get some rest lying down, I had a really really realistic dream where there was a big mirror and washbasin next to my bed and while I was sleeping at night, I felt somebody was in the room and looked at the mirror and the washbasin and there was a woman in a white kimono with long hair combing her hair and she noticed me and looked back at me suddenly and came right close to my face and I was so so scared that I had my eyes tight shut and she was saying something in a small voice, and I was so scared that I was trying to say help help help help and then I woke up.....I thought my heart would stop because I was so scared...I'll definitely sleep with my lights on tonight.
8/11/2010
August 11, 2010 08:32 Feels Good!
Hey, I got my head shaven!Whew, it feels good. Now I don't have to worry about all the falling hairs!
I think I look better than when I was 20 and had my head shaven. Masao-san said I looked good and I'm not bragging but the shape of my head is pretty...
And one more thing, the IV line and oxygen tube that I had ever since I was hospitalized here were finally removed.I'm happy I'm not tied up anymore!
When I had it was a bit of a hassle to go even to the toilet and was a minor bugger I have to get anti-biotics 3 times a day for half an hour everytime, but that's okay.
Yesterday Masao-san brought me broiled salted "ayu" It's my favorite fish and the salted broil is one of my favorites. The first ayu this year was delicious! If I have the salted ayu, I don't need any other food....I dream of having wild ayu on a stick and pig-out on it.
The treatment plan is to take a CT scan with contrast agents and see whether the blood clot has disappeared and whether the anti-cancer drug are working and judge whether to use the same anti-cancer drugs or use the new drug. However, to use the new drug the drug company apparently requires 28 days to lapse since the last day of anti-cancer drug use and the doctors are now negotiating whether such rule can be relaxed.
In general it seems that anti-cancer drugs only work on 40% of cancer and even if effective the cancer will only reduce to about half its size, but the new drug is expected to work on 80% and the size should be significantly smaller; it's also a pill, so there's no need for hospitalization.
Of course, there's the potential for a host of side effects, but I'm expecting great things from it.
P.S. Thank you for many comments to yesterday's diary. It made me cry a lot. Maro will live to the max!
8/08/2010
August 8, 2010 20:59 Confession
The exact name of my cancer is adenocarcinoma.
There are several types of lung cancer and I have both small cell cancer and non-small cell cancer. And there are stages to cancer. Stage 1 and Stage 2 are levels at which excision is possible through surgery. Stage 3 is inoperable but no metastasis is seen. Stage 4 is also inoperable and metastasis is seen to the brain and bones. There are more detailed levels but these are the 4 big categories.
My lung cancer is at Stage 4.
Stage 4 is also known as terminal cancer.
So that's why the nurse at Nihon University was crying.
According to the textbooks, patients with Stage 4 cancer have an estimated life of 1 year. The 5 year survival rate is equal to or lower than 5%.
But I think terminal means that there are no ways to treat it. I just began my treatments. My brain tumor was defeated. We found a drug that should be effective for me. I can't give up hope of living. There are many people who outlive their prognosis of an estimated life.
Cancer is an opportunity that god gave to me. I will live the life that I have been given as a second chance for life and cherish and value it.
Your prayers are being answered today too. My body didn't ache and I was able to eat the meals fine.
Thank You.
There are several types of lung cancer and I have both small cell cancer and non-small cell cancer. And there are stages to cancer. Stage 1 and Stage 2 are levels at which excision is possible through surgery. Stage 3 is inoperable but no metastasis is seen. Stage 4 is also inoperable and metastasis is seen to the brain and bones. There are more detailed levels but these are the 4 big categories.
My lung cancer is at Stage 4.
Stage 4 is also known as terminal cancer.
So that's why the nurse at Nihon University was crying.
According to the textbooks, patients with Stage 4 cancer have an estimated life of 1 year. The 5 year survival rate is equal to or lower than 5%.
But I think terminal means that there are no ways to treat it. I just began my treatments. My brain tumor was defeated. We found a drug that should be effective for me. I can't give up hope of living. There are many people who outlive their prognosis of an estimated life.
Cancer is an opportunity that god gave to me. I will live the life that I have been given as a second chance for life and cherish and value it.
Your prayers are being answered today too. My body didn't ache and I was able to eat the meals fine.
Thank You.
8/07/2010
August 7, 2010 13:23 I want to have a skinhead
It's better to be bald than have some hair
It's summer time, so it's good
And I don't have much hesitation to be bald; in fact when I was 20, I did it in the summer. Back then I thought I wanted to have a skinhead just once during my lifetime and if I became an adult, I wouldn't be able to do it...so the time is now, if not ever, so I did it
But if I knew that I'd become bald again, I wouldn't have done it....so it's my second time in my lifetime to be bald
My white blood cell count is low now and I can't risk an infection from the head, so I got permission if my white blood cell count went up next week
Yeah!
So don't be surprised if you visit me and I have a skinhead
8/06/2010
August 6, 2010 18:53 Great Report
The gene test results arrived today. It was positive; means that there's a drug that suits me. It seems that only 5 out of 100 people has this gene and I was one of them. It's still in the testing phase, and Okayama University is the only hospital in this Chugoku area to be doing the testing; I'm really glad I came here. If the anti-cancer drugs I'm using now are effective I'll continue using them and they'll do more tests to decide the course of action; there's slightly more hope now
Tears fill my eyes.
Tears fill my eyes.
August 6, 2010 16:09 About Okayama University Hospital
I'm in the respiratory department and there are many cancer patients. I thought that being a nurse here would be hard, but the nurses here are always smiling and caring and are here at a moment's notice.
And I have two doctors responsible for my care. One is a male and the other is beautiful young female doctor. I trust them very much. The male doctor apparently is a specialist in oncology. He exudes confidence and I feel everything will be fine by him. Other specialists in respiratory systems and gynecology see me as necessary.
And Tara-chan requested for me that a relief care team be assigned to me. They take care of my worries and physical pain and take care of everything I can think of.
This hospital was close to my home and it was sort of a just a choice I made, but I'm now very glad that I met these wonderful doctors.
Looking at the blue skies everyday spending the time slowly, I'm thankful that I'm alive.
8/05/2010
August 5, 2010 16:31 Today's Diary
Today, my white blood cell count dropped a lot and the doctor ordered not to eat fresh vegetables and fruit. It's the side effect of anti-cancer drugs and the count yesterday was 2500 but today it was suddenly 650.I have to be careful of infectious diseases now and have to decline visitors in big groups...
High fever again...
If this stays the anti-cancer drugs can't be used, so they gave me drugs to boost my white blood cell count.I'm getting bored of sleeping...
But if I get up I feel dizzy.Moja went back yesterday and Mom came today.
Masao-san went back to Tokyo and is taking care of a lot of things.
The sky is clear blue from the hospital window.
Information on Ookubo-san (same as Okubo-san)The person in charge of me today seemed to be Ookubo-san and she came to the room many times this morning. I spoke to her a bit and she may be a good person. Good with needles too.
I had the morning blood test and also had to change the IV needles and got the white blood cell shots, so I had 3 needles today and it didn't hurt as much. Thanks for her experience.
If I could I would name Ookubo-san for my shots.
8/01/2010
August 1, 2010 11:55 Feels Better Today
Oh, yeah, I moved to a private room. Opened the small window to let the air in now. It's on the eighth floor and the wind feels great
Today the noisy visitors from Tokyo will visit again
August 3, 2010 16:21 Today's Diary
The high fever that comes every morning continues today; the drug was changed to the better one, so it's weird. 38C (100F) this morning too and sweat a lot. Can sleep well at night without the high fever. So I take the anti-fever drug and lie down during the morning.
Had a good appetite for lunch and could eat well. Simply cooked foods are tastier now. Like baked potatoes, and corn. Just a bit of seasoning and the flavors stand out.
In the afternoon Mojalinu visited me all the way from Tokyo. The fever dropped by then and I felt good and let it go by slowly.
Yesterday's X-ray showed that the cancer growth had stopped
Your prayers are being answered!!!
Thank you.
7/31/2010
July 31, 2010 20:48 Side Effects
The inside of my mouth feels all sandy due to the side effects.
No matter how often I brush my teeth, it's like sandpaper inside my mouth.
When I eat, it feels like I'm eating sand along with my food.
(Sigh) It's hard when you can't enjoy your food even when you want to eat it.
The doctor says that I should eat when I can since the chemo from today should kick in and take down the fever and I should relatively feel better. But dunno what to do.
It's like I'm just shoving food down my throat. Now I can really relate to how they say that you lose your appetite once you start chemotherapy treatment.
I was able to eat the corn that mom brought over for the time being.
I need to try eating a little more for dinner.
By the way, the food here is much better than at the previous hospital.
No matter how often I brush my teeth, it's like sandpaper inside my mouth.
When I eat, it feels like I'm eating sand along with my food.
(Sigh) It's hard when you can't enjoy your food even when you want to eat it.
The doctor says that I should eat when I can since the chemo from today should kick in and take down the fever and I should relatively feel better. But dunno what to do.
It's like I'm just shoving food down my throat. Now I can really relate to how they say that you lose your appetite once you start chemotherapy treatment.
I was able to eat the corn that mom brought over for the time being.
I need to try eating a little more for dinner.
By the way, the food here is much better than at the previous hospital.
July 31, 2010 15:15 Manicure
They painted things like little elves that kill cancer cells, strawberries, butterflies, rainbows ~
July 31, 2010 11:34 Today's Diary Entry
Today is the second phase of my chemotherapy.
I suffered high fever and nausea the first time around. This one supposedly has fatigue and diarrhea as its side effects.
I suffered high fever and nausea the first time around. This one supposedly has fatigue and diarrhea as its side effects.
7/30/2010
July 30, 2010 08:29 recent health
Lights out is at 10pm, but when I sleep then, I wake up around 4am. I’ve been posting on mixi that I’ve been feeling good but recently, the medicine wears out by early morning and I get a fever of 39 C. Went through days where my body ached and feeling groggy with the IV. There are times when I feel good but I get tired easily. It seems that my immune system is down due to the reduction of white blood cells with the chemo. Having X-rays and blood tests everyday is tiring. I do have an appetite except when my body feels unwell. Masao-san cooks food that’s good for my body and brings it to me.
I feel bad that friends come to visit from afar and there are times when I’m unwell. I sweat a lot from the fever but I can’t even shower and feels gross. I wonder if I can shower today.
The other day, I saw Yukuri for the first time in a while. Felt a bit distant since it’s been a while since we last met, but I could also tell that she was trying really hard even as a little child. I cried when she said, “Mama, gambattene”
I absolutely have to go back to the life I had. & to love her more than ever.
I will never give up and I will never give in
I feel bad that friends come to visit from afar and there are times when I’m unwell. I sweat a lot from the fever but I can’t even shower and feels gross. I wonder if I can shower today.
The other day, I saw Yukuri for the first time in a while. Felt a bit distant since it’s been a while since we last met, but I could also tell that she was trying really hard even as a little child. I cried when she said, “Mama, gambattene”
I absolutely have to go back to the life I had. & to love her more than ever.
I will never give up and I will never give in
7/28/2010
July 28, 2010 07:36 Blood Clot and IV
As expected, the tests found a blood clot in the lungs yesterday. If we leave it as is, it’ll become hard to breathe so they started a new IV to thin the blood. They say I have to leave the IV on for about a week till the blood clot goes away. (sigh), a bit inconvenient, don’t you think? Like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
In addition, because the IV prevents the blood to coagulate, I’m supposed to be careful of not hurting myself. If a blood vessel breaks in the lungs, I’ll cough up blood and would be a big problem. So I’m nervous about even coughing since yesterday. Hope this blood clot goes away soon.
Yesterday , Tara-chan went home back to Iwate. She’s got her husband and her child to look after as well of course. But I miss her. She used to come visit everyday. Tara-chan has totally looked after me on everything and I’m indebted to her.
Aside from when I’m taking the IV, I feel good. Maybe because of everyone’s prayers, I don’t have much side effects except for the swelling. Today, my mom from Tokyo, Ojiyan and Takako Susai who made the mobile doll for my IV bar are coming to visit me. Mom brought over Yukuri since Ojiyan wanted to meet her as well.
In addition, because the IV prevents the blood to coagulate, I’m supposed to be careful of not hurting myself. If a blood vessel breaks in the lungs, I’ll cough up blood and would be a big problem. So I’m nervous about even coughing since yesterday. Hope this blood clot goes away soon.
Yesterday , Tara-chan went home back to Iwate. She’s got her husband and her child to look after as well of course. But I miss her. She used to come visit everyday. Tara-chan has totally looked after me on everything and I’m indebted to her.
Aside from when I’m taking the IV, I feel good. Maybe because of everyone’s prayers, I don’t have much side effects except for the swelling. Today, my mom from Tokyo, Ojiyan and Takako Susai who made the mobile doll for my IV bar are coming to visit me. Mom brought over Yukuri since Ojiyan wanted to meet her as well.
7/27/2010
July 27, 2010 06:25 I received a lot of love
Yesterday morning, I had breakfast with that lady in the cafeteria gain. She told me that there’s a library on the 11th floor of the hospital so I went with Masao-san. They had some manga so I took out one that looked fun. 
By lunch mom came by and brought over gifts from friends that we had received at home. There was a doll I had requested from my artist friend Takako Susai. I hung it on my IV bar. IV is gonna be more fun because of this. Thank you Ta-chan.
By lunch mom came by and brought over gifts from friends that we had received at home. There was a doll I had requested from my artist friend Takako Susai. I hung it on my IV bar. IV is gonna be more fun because of this. Thank you Ta-chan.Yesterday, the IV ended early and I felt good.
No matter what, it is exhausting during the IV treatment. I guess you can’t help it because you’re dripping 1500 ~ 2000(ml) of various medication in your bloodstream. Thanks to all the IV, my body’s totally swollen up.
In the afternoon, Tara-chan brought over a digital photo frame with pictures from friends in Tokyo as well as a card with everyone’s well wishes. It made me happy to see messages from friends from even Florida and Kobe. I looked at the photos over and over. Thank you for all your messages.
7/26/2010
July 26, 2010 04:15 Intravenous (IV) Therapy
Why am I posting at such an hour? Well, the anti-nausea IV that I got from yesterday morning didn’t sit well with my body – and I suffered migraine and chest pains – so had it removed and had the doctor come by to see me. Was feeling groggy all day on my side and fell asleep by 9pm so I’m wide awake now. I’m totally craving for somen noodles! I ate yoghurt but it’s not enough!
Yesterday, before the IV I was feeling good. When I’m feeling good, I try to eat at the cafeteria and yesterday met a woman with the same disease.
There aren’t many around my age with this disease after all. It was good to hear all kinds of stories from someone who is going through the same battle and one who has more years of experience in life. I have some painful (though I don’t want to use this word much) side effects waiting for me. Probably will kick in from tomorrow. I already feel a weird sensation on my tongue and can’t eat some food. The doctor has briefed me on this but the reaction depends from person to person so I’ve no idea what kind of side effects I’ll have.
If this diary stops, please think that I’m going through painful side effects. But this phase of side effects is supposed to go away in 2-3 days. And once stabilized, I can even go outside.
But after that, another chemotherapy – seems like the only thing we can do is to keep testing everyday and figuring out which treatment works for my body as we go along. (sigh)
Around noon friends from Shiga, Fukuoka, and Nagoya came. These are easy going buddies of mine so I stayed in bed as we chatted. The friends from Fukuoka and Nagoya friend are ones I met in my days in California. It’s been about 4 years since I last saw them but it didn’t feel like so much time had passed btw us – was really fun. Since I was lying down for a while, I felt better and we went to have a meal at the cafeteria and continued chatting. After that, I went back to bed and they went home. I’m sorry you came all the way to visit and we couldn’t hang out longer because I’m not doing so well. I really wanted to chat for some more.
My sister-in-law said that Yukuri prays for me every morning and every night by the butsudan shrine. I’m going to try my best – and go through this chemotherapy – so I can see Yukuri soon.
Yesterday, before the IV I was feeling good. When I’m feeling good, I try to eat at the cafeteria and yesterday met a woman with the same disease.
There aren’t many around my age with this disease after all. It was good to hear all kinds of stories from someone who is going through the same battle and one who has more years of experience in life. I have some painful (though I don’t want to use this word much) side effects waiting for me. Probably will kick in from tomorrow. I already feel a weird sensation on my tongue and can’t eat some food. The doctor has briefed me on this but the reaction depends from person to person so I’ve no idea what kind of side effects I’ll have.
If this diary stops, please think that I’m going through painful side effects. But this phase of side effects is supposed to go away in 2-3 days. And once stabilized, I can even go outside.
But after that, another chemotherapy – seems like the only thing we can do is to keep testing everyday and figuring out which treatment works for my body as we go along. (sigh)
Around noon friends from Shiga, Fukuoka, and Nagoya came. These are easy going buddies of mine so I stayed in bed as we chatted. The friends from Fukuoka and Nagoya friend are ones I met in my days in California. It’s been about 4 years since I last saw them but it didn’t feel like so much time had passed btw us – was really fun. Since I was lying down for a while, I felt better and we went to have a meal at the cafeteria and continued chatting. After that, I went back to bed and they went home. I’m sorry you came all the way to visit and we couldn’t hang out longer because I’m not doing so well. I really wanted to chat for some more.
My sister-in-law said that Yukuri prays for me every morning and every night by the butsudan shrine. I’m going to try my best – and go through this chemotherapy – so I can see Yukuri soon.
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